The past two months have been the most uplifting, yet the hardest of my life. I have been brought to attention of feelings, something honestly I pushed and guarded away for a long time because HI, I am miss independent and do not need anyones help. I can fend for myself. Yeah, like hell I can. And that is what I have been learning..... In that process I have realized how many walls I truly have built up around me. And because I have those walls, I just hurt myself before I let anyone hurt me. I am rambling sorry, :) just getting it out so you can understand where I am going. haahaha! Anyways, with that said, I would, like to make myself fully vulnerable to you, whoever you are, and as you see me from the inside out, I hope this inspires you and helps to heal you even, because I am sure you will see me in pain, but I am so willing to pour myself out to you. So how bout it??!
Let me start with.... I have an eating disorder. Said it!!! I do. I do not throw up, but I on occassion take laxatives, have a friend give me adderall, because I want to change my body. I called my mom after doing laxatives and told her I do not want to be that girl all worried about her image.... We all have our days where we feel not so pretty, and I do have the days were I feel extremely sexy. However, food is always in my mind. How much should I eat? Should I even eat? What should I eat. Every question runs through my mind all day and I am EFFING SICK OF IT! So, I am going to deal with it. But not just go into an office and talk to someone who can help. I am going to deal with it in the open. For whatever friend, or whatever stranger to read. I am not scared, but so eager to get to the core of why I do this. I think it is more than just pressure around me. I am exited to strip down infront of y'all and then clothe back up with a perfect image, and that is Gods grace.
So you in? I hope so because if not you may not like my blogs for the next few times hahahahaha. I want you to ask me anything, tell me anything, yell at me for maybe future cussing, laugh at me for future humor, cry with me for suture pain. But rejoice with me in healing. I am stoked.
Love you gf.
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ReplyDeleteFirst of all I admire you for being so open and transparent. I don't know how we became friends on facebook so I don't know how much this will mean to you, but for some reason I felt to respond.
ReplyDeleteSo, I would like to tell you that you are amazingly beautiful. There is absolutely no reason for you to be anything but loving the way you look. Really we get all dressed up or try to look our best with great expectations of people noticing us or being the star in the room, but in my experiences you always are let down. People usually are just wondering how you are thinking they look. So its a lose lose situation. I am by no means good at this and I go through the above cycle over and over knowing the outcome, but there always is that hope. What I have come to realize is that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. You have no reason not to love yourself. As I said you are beautiful. However I do think eating properly and working out in some way is important for everyone. So maybe just become better educated about that.
Anyway, I have written to much, but Ill end with this...If I were in a room with you and had no idea who you were, I would notice you and like I have said twice before I would think you were beautiful and I have very picky taste. Have a great rest of the day and quit that laxative stuff. As bruno mars says your beautiful just the way you are.... lol take care
Hey! I'm in (: I have an anxiety disorder and i have done since i was about 7. I have separation issues about being away from my Mom since my Dad died when i was younger. I'm in the process of healing, too. It must have took a lot to admit the things you did and i admire you for that. You've inspired me to do the same about my anxiety, panic attacks and the odd bit of self harm. So thank you. You seem to be an amazing person and together we can get through these things. Admitting is the first step! Lets do this.. :) xoxo
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