Just bc I care for you all.

Goodmorning loves. I woke up today with a swollen throat, makeup still on and had to go to the doctors to find out that Fumes make me feel icky.  Anyways! I got my computer back last night after an unexpected crash. :( I was not able to back anything up. Videos, pictures, music..... Thankfully, most of the all of those are on my phone, ipod, or facebook already. I wasn't too bummed though. I was more happy to get my computer back. I have to start back from scratch but do not mind it at all..... It made me think a little, Every morning we get a new chance. Every time we repent the sin are forgiven and we start over. I crash everyday. and all day long. But am constantly brought back to life and forgiven..... Just a little ramble I wanted yall to hear:)
  This is more for an encouragement for you guys. I have alot of dear ones going through quite a long and hard set of trials. I do not like ones close to me hurting. It hurts me. James 1 says; "count it all joy brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing......"
  Two years ago (almost) I got nodules on my vocal chords. I am a singer, and anything that holds my singing voice, let alone my speaking voice back pretty much depletes my whole spirit. It took reading this chapter over and over again. Working through my identity not being in my voice...... but in my Creator. I still struggle with rasp here and there, but have found contentment with whatever it is God is doing. Small example.... but these trials we go through are to be counted as joy.... Sucks right? Why joy? And why do they last so effing long? We wont know those answers. But what we will know is He will never leave us nor forsake us in these trials.
  My dad has been through hell the past two years. Trying to keep his hope up after losing a great job, and trying to find another. I questioned for a while, why such a great and humbled man would have to keep persevering for so long through such a trying time. Now with a job and a good year looking ahead  of him, we are more able to see the big picture.
   For you going through shit, keep kicking. My oldest brother Eric always told me when i was younger, Ktlady, if something is kicking you in the ass, turn around and start kicking the hell out of it back. And though that is the simplest way to think of something..... I can't help but picture it being done and it pumps me to keep going.
  I pray for you. And your trials..... There is reason for all. Standfast my loves.

Free Falling

Holy Cow it has been forever since I have written and I am very sorry for that! The past few months I have very much tried to stay afloat and living while trying my best to find a constant job. Let me just say I have been put in the passenger seat of my life and have been unable to drive. I am not in control, and have been feeling the sense of free falling for a little longer than I would originally want, but after coming back after a long trip and stepping out and breathing. I am ok with it. I went home December 20th. And while I was home, I was able to work for my dearest Auntie, or other mom however you wanna look at it, Noelle. I have worked for her and nannied for son Antonio since I was 18. That is 5 years. SOOOOO long! I knew going into the trip I was going to be busy. Working during the day, family time in the evening, and friends on into the night. Let me just say....... this trip was alot for in in the best of ways. Everything unexpected happen that could to be honest.
   I returned back to franklin with the mind set. I have everything in my hands. I do not need anyone to take care of me. I have made it this far, and will continue to make it even further. But I get home, and within a day things change, My heart is tried. My control is taken from me in the sweetest of ways. Through dear ones. My immediate reaction for this is to put walls right up. Guard myself before anyone could hurt me. I am better at hurting myself that way bc I know how to handle it now, instead of getting hurt. Um.... doesn't work. B/c now I am having to re-learn how to feel. How to trust and let guards down. I didn't know letting down walls would be so hard. Um. IT'S FREAKIN HARD AS CRAP! So willingly do I say it, but while also keeping a strong face and holding back the emotions.
  Ladies! do not be me! God gave us emotions, and they are a miraculous thing! Does  not matter if it is for work, a man, a friend, family, a child, art. you name it let the emotions flow.  My mom told me during the day when you begin to start feeling anxious. Step back, and ask yourself. How am I feeling physically, spiritually, mentally, and such. be honest with your answers.
  I am not one who easily gives up the reigns. I will put in my fight, however sometimes, we are not even given the reigns to start out with...... we just take them because we do not trust. My loves, trust. Trust in Him alone, and for the wise voices He placed into your life.
   So I am 23 today. EW! I have been back in LA for 2 days now. I am working on a short film, booked a pilot, and a comic book sketch ( ahhhahahaha ) have another pilot to be working on for later this month. Auditions set up. Bible studies in line. I am on fire. and will not be taken down. Why? B/c I am not in control of my life. I am simply following the narrow path laid before my feet. It is a hard thing. But I chose no other road.

Love you guys. This is gunna be a craycray year!

I found Love

    Been quite a little while since I have written last.  Life has been a bit of a challenge for me lately...... Lots of let downs, and yet has been the fullest month in my life.  I am, the brokest person one could ever run into. :)  Though, I have tried working in so many ways. Doing odd jobs and whatnot I am still unable to.... provide for myself. Thank God after this month, that will change.  However, though I have nothing of the one thing i have always had in my hand my whole life ( lots of money) I am the richest in character, and in love than I have ever been.  You know when a couple work through the hardest time together, and come out more in love and intimate in deeper ways? That is what I feel. Although, I am not talking about with a man, but the love in my Lord, and also my family and friends. I am on my knees. Yet stronger than I could ever think.  Though i am writing this blog right now with mascara running down my face. Hair in a nasty bun, and a case of peanut butter sitting next to me. I am telling it all to you.  Because, this blog, is about love in this crazy broke ass, beautiful, rich, fancy, empty city. And I am grateful. Because, I have found the true meaning of selfless love. I have been held while crying, fed, driven by the dearest of loves here in my life.  They  ignore my pride of not wanting help, and carry me when I cannot even feel that I am weak. Thank you!  
   Because of this, I have let walls down!!! UMMMM WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! I would think it would be the other way around. But I do tend to go opposite with some things. :)
  Anyways!!!!! I have really grown through this humility, and am forever grateful. Because, seeing the love from my friends and family, has given me more than millions ever could. That is love, and caring.
The adoration I have for each of you is astounding. You are my soul. My passion, and my light. And I thank God for each of you every day.
   I found LOVE, in the faces I see everyday. I love you

ps. was on craigslist looking for jobs.... got curious and went to the male seeking female. OH MY LORD MALANA!!! never again. That is the next blog for sure! ew!

Saying "NO" is sexy

There are so many pressures this world has to offer us.  From simple to extreme.  I attended a little house party that a friend of mine threw a few night ago.  I walk in and right away the smoke fills my lungs,  I am bumped into and booze spills on my shoes, " oh my gosh man, I mean lady, Im like so sorry." I assume they remembered nothing happening even after 5 min of walking away from me.  The guys approaching the girls, and the girls trying so hard to get the attention of the one guy they want to notice them.  They try to extreme. One friend was after this one guy I was talking to.  She came up to me, " oh my gosh Katie, why are you talking to him without introducing me, and do you know who he is?!?!? Like the hottest guy ever and he if so famous."  I knew of him somewhat, but not enough to be impressed. So everytime he would come around, she would be close behind and screaming with her girlfriends to get him to turn and see her.  I purposely tried to walk about the house alone so that I could listen to these conversations.  Most of them were about where the party was going to end up. As in which house do we want to go to yours or mine? And as the conversations continued, they would look at each other asif they were about to devour one another right there. ( Nothing really wrong with that, b/c I know when I am with my man, there will be some time where I am like, ok lets leave I wanna be with just you.)  However what threw me was that every questioned asked or anything offered, everyone just said yes. Wanna do this, try this, have this, wanna kiss. Everyone just said yes. And so, the guys were stoked because they were getting what they wanted without having to try for it in any way. And girls was exited because the hot guy was flirting with them and could maybe even LOVE them. NOPE!
Not exactly how it really works.
    If there is one thing I do know is true, guys and girls, looooooove a challenge. So when one says "sure" right away, there goes the little chase. But when one gives a little, but keep the other wanting more, it entices the other more so. As a small example, one of my girlfriends and I went to hangout at a friends house and play some games. We had some drinks, and so ended up wanting to play it safe and not drive, so we just stayed there. We both split up with the guys. ( which already is a bad idea, and not guarding any hearts in this case...... learned my lesson mom....:) ) When I have a drink I tend to get more cuddly then I already am, and since we had kissed before I assumed the same was to happen..... we cuddled for a sec, and I remembered I began to rub his chest, and he turned to me and said " I don't want to do it this way Katie." I was so impressed and remembered looking at him with so much adoration.  Made me think he was even sexier then he already is, because, he knew how to stop it, and how to say no to a temptation and a pressure. I think I told him he was a good man for doing so. If not, I need to tell him:)
   When there is a respect there, the sex appeal is also apparent.  When I as a young lady, sees a guy Humble and serving, I am more turned on to that than seeing Brad Pitt shirtless in Fightclub.  Also, from what I have been told by the men in my life I adore, honor and trust, a woman is sexy when driven, and when there is an unknown about her. In other words, she does not give it all away at first meeting.
    Respect, honor, patience, and wisdom. Really seek those this week.

Quite Enough

" I was so unique, now I feel skin deep..... Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention.... though I could be strong, but it's killing me..... I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, be amazed...." By Bethany Dillon.   This song sums up so much of what us girls go through.  When things are going well with life we feel so strong, asif we need no one. But when something stumps us, and makes us feel small for a second, we gasp, and do not know what we can do to fix things. We look in the mirror only to see something we do not like. The skin, the rolls, the eyes, the lips, the hair. Longing for it to be perfect so he will adore us in every fashion of life. Wanting to always keep his attention on you. But when it does not come, what does one do? We want to be so worthy, so adorned, and so loved that he sees no other woman. And so, to get to this point, we try to clothe ourselves in the hottest fashion, in the best makeup that covers every flaw, keep our bodies the slimmest we can to make the sex appeal to him daily. This feeling sucks.  Because, no matter the amount one tries to make themselves perfect, they will never reach it. When we reach a goal.... we make another more insane one to meet the next month, only for him. What is really in his mind. One may never know. But of this I do know. The songs ends with.. " You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe, You step inside my heart, and I am amazed, I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough, You make me worthy of love, and beautiful."
   I cannot tell you how hard it is to write this down right now. Because as my fingers type I am wanting to make myself skinnier, cleanse my skin of all its scares, have the look that captures him every moment. But needing to realize, I am quite enough. My beauty is not of this world, but of something fuller and more breathtaking than any one could describe.  Beauty in Christ is undying, trusting, always patient, always kind, does not envy other bodies or faces, but endures all.....
   But it can be hard when the slump times come to our door. As much as we try to lock them out and stay guarded from them.... it is impossible.  Which is my I adore Pride and Prejudice. :)

The Purpose.

  I went back to the wonderful south this past week to surprise my family. While there i was able to talk with mamma about things that had been on my mind, and things I was a little convicted with. She gave me a book called Every Woman's Battle.  As I took the book from her I was thinking in the back of my head about how I would just skim over the pages and get an overview of what the message was. ( Because honestly i am not the biggest reader. I would much rather be acting the book out, be outside and what not.) The next day I was heading back home, so on the plane I took the book and began to see what it had to say. WOW! I am now able to step outside the bubble and take a look at the big picture and how I can hold myself accountable but also guard my guy friends. Really good! A must read ladies!!! B/c the stories in the book are real and vulnerable! You will love this read!
   While I was home. I was able to kinda come back to where I had used to be. With that said I feel to be more of a romantic than I already was. GREAT!!! Now I am going to be more sappy? More hopeless ( or hopeful) More lovey dovey? Perhaps, but not exactly. I am, however, more exited and humbled about becoming the woman my husband deserves.  I am more ready to let myself be corrected, and held accountable because I want to glow as a true woman of grace, rather than just a sex icon. However, I intend on being the sexiest for him that is for dang sure!!! ( Ciara's video 'ride'.... Amel Larrieux's 'make me whole'... and other love songs...) I want him to be able to look to me and see the true love I have for him, and feel the same passion for me.

    Love is as Corinthians says. Patient, Kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not easily angered, is not self-seeking, keeps no recored of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres.  ( 1 Cor. 13: 1-8.)   Love is selfless. And I intend to try my best at this view of love for not only my family and friends, but for my other half. Because he is deserving of it. so call me a sap. But i am totally basking in this feeling. And this humble feeling makes me high as a crackhead on head! If that makes any sense. 

   As you work on your heart for the preparation of that love, it shows on your outer layer as well. Think about it. You know a kind hearted person and perhaps they may not be the hottest thing ever, but what you adore about them is the kindness and loving attribute they live out. And you think about their beauty that way. What a wonderful thing yeah? yup! You bet!

   Now I am not saying go in your room, and just read your Bible and soak in the best books and hope for the best! No! That is fine, but a lil lazy. Be out there! Read. Yes that is important. Hold yourself accountable yes. But shoot girl!!! Make yourself beautiful also on the outside. Knowing your beauty is on the inside is key. But do not let that make you want to just let the rest go. Working from the inside out and keeping up with the outside also is legit!  

  Rambled on a bit this time:) But this is what is on my heart, in my head. 

love you!

fantasy? or the real?

  A very dear friend of mine and I found ourselves driving around north hollywood talking about our men situations.  Crazy huh? Two girls talking about boys.... since when does that happen? :) Anyways, we kept coming back to a big question that even her dad could not exactly answer. Here is it.... Why is it, we are told you are the most amazing girl, I would marry you, the best girl I know... and why can't other girls be like you..... yet..... we are the girls not taken on the dates.  Still, they ask out the tiny bimbos, and the skanky ladies.  Now I personally and ok with waiting, because if my beloved sees me for me and knows my heart, then he wont want anyone else.... However right now the good guys go for the bad girls... And it sucks as the 'best friend' if you wanna say.... to see an honorable man getting sucked into the shallow girls. Even so, they talk about settling down and wanting to slowly look for THE GIRL, but still, shallow. Now this is something that has happened for a long time. And now I am finally wanting some feedback.
  This does however point to something. Because what men see on magazines, in movies, and in porn is a body that is not natural. And, because they are used to letting themselves see that and get used to that, they make that vision of a woman reality. The tiny tiny waist.  The big chest. Plump lips. And always getting one to a high.  However, that is not us.  So,  you will be let down constantly by a so called normal woman.  And that, is your bad. If you, have this made up vision in mind, and the real thing not coming close to what you have in mind, then yes, you will not be satisfied.  So, why not the real thing? Why the fantasy?
  Men also say they love a woman with some curves.  I think curves are amaaaazing. That is what makes us different from the man. Well one reason.  So you love the curves, yet run towards the model shape. ( and this is not to point fingers or be angry at skinny girls.... b/c you also are beautiful)  I know I need to keep in mind that most people are drawn to a type, however is that type shallow? Because if you think about it, when it comes to porn and when it comes to having the sexiest hottest, whatnot girl you are self serving yourself.... and seeking your own desires.
   Now this is not going to change me. I love the way I look ( most of the time ).  I love that my bootay cannot fit in jeans very well.... my breasts make me look bigger than I am.  My skin is has marks on it. And my thighs are thick.  But we just wonder, why do men say these things, then go for another. Where are our dates? Not that we do not have any at all, But the men we adore and love, fall for the typical hot. But when you think about it, the typical hot is just a small shell...
   I suppose age also has to do with it.  Why be dumb and get a quick fix? Even if you men do not want to get married right now, why not prepare yourself for the biggest love of your life... That is what I am doing...... and I will give you this..... My friend and I were talking about being the best wife we can be, and golly, we will have the tightest bodies, with curves you will love to hold.  The longest patience, because already we await your arrival. The best lovin.... because we have waited our lives to give it all to you. and i mean ALLLL!!! ;) not afraid to say that aloud.
   But really.... why.