all the Mid's

   Being in our mid 20's is a little crazy. As men and as women.  When we feel like we should have so much accomplished and have our lives together. Well..... we DO NOT. And frankly never will. So how do we enjoy and not stress or be anxious for it?

  I was talking to a few girlfriends of mine on how we thought our lives would be so different than they are now when we were younger. How we thought our careers would be huge, we would be married, maybe have kids... Now this is the young hearts speaking here.... And as an adult,  we are so thankful that things did not happen that way. But it is funny how we worry so much about the future. Why? It is going to happen no matter what so why not enjoy the present and be exited while still planning wisely for the future. We build this vast idea of what our future should look like and we worry and toil over the thought of it every day. We know Scripture says do not be anxious for tomorrow. Obviously this is easier said than done...

  For me, I feel personally I feel like I should be as Lil Wayne says... "25 sittin on $25 mill." When I moved out to LA I was all set to become this huge person in the entertainment realm as well as the business realm. I cannot even tell you how much I have and still do stretch myself out so thin trying to make this happen. The only difference between then and now, is I realize it takes time for one to build their empire.... I know that sounds crazy... But It's true on what I have been trying to do:) Currently working on a new kids water out in LA, artist development, serving, training to be a vocal coach along side the amazing Brett Manning, writing songs, writing blogs and hopefully a few books, wanting a family, wanting to help a friend start a publishing company.... these are all the things I have on my hands and the tasks I want to see happen right away.... But what good is a thing that starts without giving time and getting the hands dirty for. Great things take time. 

   At the end of the day we know what really matters. The social status does not exist, the money always comes and goes.  I am not saying do not work hard, but I am saying to not work hard on the things that do not matter.... Be diligent in your work and career, and do not be lazy. However, be diligent and faithful and steadfast in the Word, on your friends, in your family. (Side note) 

  Rest assure.... though when we have a low key day to actually rest, it turns into  us freaking out about what we are doing with out lives, know that you are here for something HUGE! And you will not have everything all together all the time... actually hardly ever. Enjoy this moment in your life because you are not going to have it again. It's like a relationship.... There is the fun exiting beginning, the defining moment, the serious talk, the engagement, the wedding day, and the kid being born and so on and so on.... each time if a gift... take this time you have and be faithful in it. Corrie ten Boom said it perfectly...  "“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 

   I hope this encouraged you today!

KT

    

Rejoice

   I like the feeling of being pressed for time for a project, or a situation because it makes me want to do everything fast pace which is what I know best.... I thrive under stressed. (which is not good because the wrinkles are starting to show) I hustle, I network, I work all day and multitask with as much as I possibly can. That is just how I work best. However, I have just left two jobs and am in the midst of transitioning from the last two to two new jobs.... So, I have about 2 weeks of down time and let me tell you..... I HATE IT!!!!!! I honestly feel way out of my comfort zone because I actually have quite a lot of quiet time and down time.. ( though I have filled it up quickly with social events) But, this time has forced me to really just sit a be more than I usually do. Scary!!! When I have those quiet times I tend to freak out and begin to question if I am doing anything right in my life. Just a typical 20 somethings thought. ;) Why do I do this? Last week I was going crazy.... Literally.... I was going out every single night with dear friends, staying out super late.... and repeat the next day and night.... and just asking God what the heck am I doing with my life?! I then realized.... I was asking so much and freaking out, that when I turned on some worship music and played it though the house, my heart just stopped!! I had been craving to simply sit and rejoice in the moment. Ever think of that?!

   We press for time, and are always go go go and give God thanks for when things are good and busy, but then when we have a moment to sit we freak out and question everything. Well guess what! He gives us the time during the day, and during the night..... So rejoice, and thank Him. It is the little moments we claim count in life anyways.... I dare you the next time you have some down time... to blast the worship music and just listen to it with a thankful heart. You will be so filled with joy and contentment.  

  That is all for now:) Not to to much happening. Few dates and whatever but I will write about them later:) Gotta make sure they don't read this blog first ;)

KT

Thank You

     You look stunning. I love that outfit. Girl you are looking good. Look how tiny you are..... These are phrases girls say to one another often.  And though we are quick to give these compliments away, we are stubborn to receive them. All my girls are stunning. They have wonderful figures, curvy and thin. Glowing skin, beautiful hair, great style and even more so they have such stunning hearts. I am in awe of every single one of them individually and make sure they know and understand their beauty. However, when I give them these words of affirmation, quickly argue about something on them that is wrong. I do this too! ALOT! And why is it when we want words of affirmation and are given them, we argue them and turn them down? Is it because it is not from a man? The thing is ladies, men love us! They love our figure because they do not have it. They love our faces because no one else looks like us. They adore our hips, our thighs, our skin, our arms.... yeah I said it!!!! THEY LOVE OUR ARMS!!!!! Especially the back of them... ( Which I do this day will never understand).... I know we have all had them pinch us on the fat part of our arms ;).... And they love it! So how about we embrace the fact that we..... are beautiful... uniquely in every way.

   My room mate and I were talking one night after a long day of working. We were both drained physically, mentally, emotionally and ever spiritually that night. We were just rambling on about how we were tired of always fighting so hard just to keep above water in every way. She is in a relationship and was talking about her struggles in the relation, and I was telling her how I was struggling some in the lack of relation I had. We both listened, and then both separately reminded one another that we are daughters of the Most High. Princesses of the Kingdom of God. Made in the image of God, and He finds such delight in us and our individual gifts that were given to us. After tears and frustrations, we really were reminded of our true pure beauty. Research what is said about His delight in us... and being created in His image.

  Be encouraged ladies. We all will have days when we feel so disgusting and do not want to leave the house. Days when we feel bloated, have a pimple, hair is too stringy, thighs jiggle to much...... But know you are beautiful. You are seen as beauty because you have something no one else has. 

  There is perfection in the imperfection I truly believe it.  So tell me what is the staple of you figure that you love? Mine?  My hips and my butt.... I love and hate them;).... However whenever I felt nasty or insecure... one of my best men would tell me to look in the mirror and say to myself.... You're a Sexy Bitch.....  Try it:) It works! 

-So remember ladies, Say Thank You

-KT

love?

   In todays society, I have found it quite difficult to be a romantic. Well, perhaps not a full romantic, but hard to swoon over those things that are kind, sweet, selfless, because now, no one thinks it ever happens. That's hopeful! We live in a day of age where the faster the better. The stronger the better. Guards up, walls built, hearts bitter. Yet we all aspire the same thing. LOVE. Could be in marriage, could be in a friendship, or from a family member. We all want love. So why is love to difficult to be had? And sometimes, too difficult to give? I am speaking here from a women's perspective. I have no clue what the guys tend to think, and I am going to be honest.... I don't think I wanna try that:) I like just trying to figure one out... it's enough for me at this moment. :)
   Today, Love is shoved in our face as something it may not necessarily be. We see or hear how perfectly passionate, hot, fast, all knowing it is on TV, movies, in books, but really, in those there is always tragedy. I mean that in the sense of.... cheating, divorce, you name it.... (Now I am not coming to you judging, for I have no right to judge anything... I am simply word vomiting into this computer to try and figure out how we has women can stand true.) We all have heard, love is patient, love is kind. However, have you really read the whole verse and let yourself have some time to actually sit on it? I give you, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 
     I highlighted the parts that I need to sit on. Because let's be honest, I have a tendency of liking things to go my way, being arrogant about it because I think I know what is best. I mean I do!;) Duh! We as Christians follow the example of Christ. A perfect example. So how do we with hope and not weary hearts aspire to be of that which is impossible because we are living in sin? By grace! It is grace with which we are loved and sought after. Grace in which we are saved and rescued. Grace! 
   I am giving you a small encouragement because I have so much on my mind and if I really get to writing then there is no turning back! haahahah! I go big or go home. So today, as we again, for the billionth time look at this verse, really study it. This is to give you hope in what love really is and not what society has painted it to be. There are alot more verses to come obviously, but I wanted to start softly, (though no truth is soft to the touch and easy on the eyes). Be encouraged. Dive in to this whole chapter and let yourself be romanced by the words of God. 

    And then we will talk about the whole pursuing and dating in this day.... Cuz let's be honest ladies and gents, it is not pretty....  

-KT

Be Good to You

 We all know this year has been quite the year of trials, lil bumps, laughs, tears, goals being met, and goals changing.  It has been a year of growing, and it is the best and hardest thing anyone will go through.  As I have been going through this, I am the type of person that shrugs things off and digs into the business of work and gym. Let myself drown in them before I can sit and think about it because I do not like the way it feels.... However, I am trying to step back and try to work it out so that I do not harden myself anymore than I already am. Luckily I have softened a lil, and I am still trying to figure out if I like it.... Because I am not used to it at all. My mom has told me, "Katie, treat yourself to something, you have to take care of Katie." I told her I am. I work, and workout and hang with friends and I find alot of filling in that! She goes "no, something out of the ordinary, you work because you can busy yourself, you workout for the same reason, and you hang with friends because you like to serve them and not yourself." I was like... Dang mom. Ok well Lets see..... I kept coming up with work and workout and taking my friends out, I even went shopping and didn't buy much. ( as funny as that sounds it means alot for me hahahahaha) I realized by how I treat myself it shows how I feel about myself. In a sense. The scripture tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. How much do we love ourselves? Um.... I can't stand myself 90% of the time because of the pressure I put on myself... Sorry neighbors.... working on it. ;)
    It is so easy to take care of someone else and push ourselves out of the picture because we do not wanna look in the mirror and see what is there, because we only see someone we cannot stand. Well guess what!!!! When God looks at us, does He see that? No! We were intricately woven and created so individually and stamped with his fingerprints that He sees His daughter or son, and is PROUD.  This past weekend was Easter. If we were not worth it then He would not have sent His son for our sakes.  Thus, with Christ redeeming us, we have our full identity in Him. What do you think about when you think of Him? Fat, ugly, loser, failure, empty, guilty, lost? Absolutely not. We think, Perfectly made, beautiful, chosen, filled with the Spirit, cleansed, found.
   Will we struggle with this feeling? of course. I will always have insecurities in myself because my flesh is fallen, but knowing my identity is in my creator I can withstand the lies that come into my head. Easier said than done of course, but still. I am learning how to through it all up into His hands. HARD!!!!!!! Because this lady y'all likes to be front and center and in control of everything. And now I got to let it be!??!?!! EF!! But the freeing feeling of casting anxiety to Him is the best! You cannot carry it alone my love. Not even close. Give it up, and treat yourself to something good:) You do deserve it. It is a healing process from the inside out, but it is nice because when you treat yourself you can hold, feel, or taste it.
   How I have been. I went and did some shopping, I got two pairs of HOT heals that make me feel very sexy when I wear them. I also go dancing:) ahahhahaha. Let people treat me if they ask to. I always turned down that blessing, when people offered to take me for nails, or lunch, I would say no, thinking in my head I can take myself out if I want to. Take the blessing someone wants to give you.
 Now I have rambled off all over the place as usual. But my point is to take care of you from the inside out. Love, it is worth it. Because doing so, you feel great! I know I do! ( that sounded like a commercial)

LOVE YOU

day by day

   I have honestly typed about fifty different lines to start out this blog..... each one very much different than the other. I do not know how to start because I do not know what to write. There is so much, sooooooooo much going through my mind and my heart that I kinda feel numb. The feeling I have, if this makes any sense is that I am growing a tone inside, and feel like I am about to burst out of my flesh. Yeah, thats it. I cannot help but think if some things didn't happen in the past 6 months how I would be.  How would my heart be? I am totally typing my thoughts as they seriously come to me. lol.  I adore my job and those I work with. I would take bullets for them they r amazing.  I adore the opportunities that I have right now, and the business inside my head is in the beginning stages of talking and meetings:) Cannot be more exited about that. But I still feel like I am missing something. To add some humor, I have money now, and do not want to go shopping. HAHAHHAH. seriously thought!!! I am a shopper, and I have not wanted to at all lately. That really shows something is wrong ;) hahahah. 

   I dunno, have you ever been in that season where you literally take life one day at a time? My mom always told me for the longest time, KT, you can't worry about everything to come, just be faithful with today and when tomorrow comes be faithful with it as well. Well, I am actually doing that.  I am a plan ahead person. Have everything lines up so that I can control the whole thing and fix the details. Well, I am now living faithfully ( well trying :) ) in what each day brings. I have my ambitions and my desires, and so I see how I can further them into reality day by day.  God is faithful to those whom are faithful to Him also. I felt like this time in my life was a numbness to Him. I honestly have not been reading in my scriptures but at church, I pray daily, but they are not always heartfelt prayers. But lately the prayers have changed and He has given me a bit of an eye opening. I am to be still in Him. Know He is God and is in control. Dang, being still means listening to my heart and thoughts which is something I do not want to do because that makes me have to deal with them. I always but on a soft shell but a hard core.  And honestly for some things in my life I wanna be so hard and just let it be, put on my game face and move right along.  But this being still thing isn't letting me. I ask for wisdom, and He gives me opportunities to use it. I ask for patience and He shows me how to withstand trials. I ask for perseverance and He encourages me along the way. 

  I guess what I am saying. Is when these times come, and they always do, and maybe you are going through it now. Standfast. Check yourself for what you find your confidence and hope in. If mine were in my work or someone I liked. I would have crumbled a long time ago. Let this time be used for build you up and strengthen your character. Nothing goes according to what we plan, and there is not need to feel guilty or feel like we have failed. It is life. It is rough. Wish we could just put on a helmet and run with it. But we cannot.  We have to slow down and feel and see and understand the big picture. 

   Now that I got this off my chest I think I am going to go shop a lil bit. I love you guys dearly. And have some craziness to write to you. I just needed to blahhhh that out first... let me just say.... the guys in this city...... wow... not so good.

for my boys

My oldest brother always told me, Kt, if something is kicking you in the ass, turn around and kick it back even hard. 

    You know when you pray to God asking Him or patience and wisdom and opportunity, and then when situations come were you are to use them you then turn it around and ask what the hell?  Yeah I am super bad at doing that.  I am like that cocky kid in the group saying I will be the first to jump, and then everyone is like ok do it..... I walk over the the ledge and am like oh.... uh.... well let me take my shoes off... and then make up stuff to draw it out or not do it.  Well because I have constantly been asking the Lord to break me, He sure does answer prayers. EEEEEK!!! I am in a place where I have absolutely no idea what is going on except for the tasks I have daily.  That is all He is allowing me to do.  Do well with the small, and then be given much. I usually go big or go home, and this time..... im taking baby steps and can't see where I am stepping next. And in this, I am being given so much strength and grace as I grow into the woman I am still to become.  This year has only just begun and it seems to be getting harder, and yet better. My brother in law is a preacher in the army and is over seas while my sister is with her three children in a city she doesn't know well... My Oldest brother is a marine who got called to go to libya 2 months early to protect against the genocide... ( I can't say bye to him.) and my other brother Justin is in the army and goes overseas in one month... ( I see him next week) My hope is held high because it is in the One who created all we see, and is the guardian of those who love Him.  They will be gone for the rest of the year, and I pray 10 angels around each of them.  So, I have that on my heart.  I am unable to talk to people I care deeply about b/c of life circumstances, and have career all over my mind.  Boy I didn't see al this coming. Wanna know what I said on the new year? 

 " This is my year. I am going big and hard and no one is stopping me and I am gunna do it alone if I have too."    

  Well, I am going big and I am going hard...... but not in the way my mind thought it would happen.  I have been humbled to the max, shown to have true selfless love, had to rely on only God when before I told myself I could do it alone. I have been shown again the big picture...... and it is not about me. Not even close..... But do I get to take part in it? You bet! And that, is finally enough for me. To be able to be a vessel and a voice of what it is about, is what I have really always wanted:) Just do damn stubborn to actually do it.  

   So this season I am in, I am counting it joy, because I am producing steadfastness. 

   Here are some verses I have found to help encourage. I love you guys with all my heart.  And truly enjoy your emails, and tweets, and comments. Never be afraid to say anything:) 

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)

( Just a picture I found on the internet of soldiers returning home....)

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10b)

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:2-5)

LOVE YOU!

  

Attention.

    I am currently sitting in my room, while listening to the rain dance on my balcony and watch the sun so desperately try to sneak through the clouds.... ( I had to make it sound more romantic... love that stuff) And thinking over the past week. I have had many conversations with many very close to me. Key thing to do that helps heal? Talk about it. Been speaking with my mom who is the worlds most amazing woman. I also spoke with my sister and my best friends who know my heart and my intent on everything I do really. And bringing my obstacle out to surface I have already pealed back some dead skin.  So if you, have yet to voice something that you have been hiding, bring it to the top, and if someone around you does not want to listen write to me and I will be happy too.
  The thing is,  in talking, you slowly start to find the core reason. Weight, has always been talked about with my friends in middle school and highschool and in my family in some cases. Due to all those talks dating back to since I could remember, it is always on my mind. I am quick to encourage other in their beauty, yet refuse to see my own. That sucks! Not to sound all selfish but I wanna mean a thank you when I hear a compliment, I am not about being like..." oh thank you, but you look nicer." I wanna be like damn straight I look good. ( well, perhaps not that cocky but you get the idea right?) I wanna walk around my house naked and feel so comfortable in my own skin. As I should, lol because I am not trading out. So, in doing so. What ARE the aspects of your body you do love and admire that no one has? Me? I love my toes. They are cute to me. I love my eyes, because no matter how I try to hide emotions, they show it all. I also love my butt... Lets just say I put the ASS in assets. I love being a white girl with booty. It's an honor really:)
  Now I  know, this topic is one that is not easily dealt with. I spoke it out because I refuse to be one to let it take hold of me.  And I want the same for every woman out there. I mean every word I say and write when I talk about the womanly figure being completely compelling and stunning. I man will not stand there looking at a woman's figure and say eww she really needs to lose that and this and blah blah blah..... But what a man will do? Say eh.... that girl has no confidence and self worth.... why don't we start changing that?
 First off, to begin with a lil intro!!! We are made in the image of God. As written in Genesis. Meaning, a God who is perfect, found complete joy in creating us, and He said himself, it was good. And even better yet, not one of us are alike in image. We all have unique attributes, and I adore it!
  I just got back from hanging with one of my girls! Crazy saturday night in LA watching a chick flick and eating tons of gluten free snack! Talking about all the insecurities women have in their selves which make them take it out on their body, mind, and spirit, and also on the man they may be with, love or like.  Not the best thing! Poor guys try to encourage and then we bite their noses off for it.... Once a month is ok! But all the time is no good.
  So whatever it is you are struggling with, take it out on paper first. Write about it, and be honest. But the thing is, you must talk about it and bring it to attention. You are worth it. Promise. :)
   And P.S. One thing I love to do when I am super full... ( do not make fun.. hehe) I love blowing out my tummy and seeing what I will look like preggers...... and I like what I see haahhahahaha.

  Ok. LOVE U!

The Walk

   I blog to you guys because I love to be vulnerable and also use that to encourage others. It fills me with so much joy to tell stories of something that has happened to me, and see it humor or help those I know, and those I do not. Well, now I will really spill it all for you....
  The past two months have been the most uplifting, yet the hardest of my life.  I have been brought to attention of feelings, something honestly I pushed and guarded away for a long time because HI, I am miss independent and do not need anyones help. I can fend for myself. Yeah, like hell I can. And that is what I have been learning..... In that process I have realized how many walls I truly have built up around me. And because I have those walls, I just hurt myself before I let anyone hurt me. I am rambling sorry, :) just getting it out so you can understand where I am going. haahaha! Anyways, with that said, I would, like to make myself fully vulnerable to you, whoever you are, and as you see me from the inside out, I hope this inspires you and helps to heal you even, because I am sure you will see me in pain, but I am so willing to pour myself out to you. So how bout it??!
  Let me start with.... I have an eating disorder. Said it!!! I do. I do not throw up, but I on occassion take laxatives, have a friend give me adderall, because I want to change my body. I called my mom after doing laxatives and told her I do not want to be that girl all worried about her image.... We all have our days where we feel not so pretty, and I do have the days were I feel extremely sexy.  However, food is always in my mind. How much should I eat?  Should I even eat? What should I eat. Every question runs through my mind all day and I am EFFING SICK OF IT! So, I am going to deal with it. But not just go into an office and talk to someone who can help. I am going to deal with it in the open. For whatever friend, or whatever stranger to read. I am not scared, but so eager to get to the core of why I do this. I think it is more than just pressure around me. I am exited to strip down infront of y'all and then clothe back up with a perfect image, and that is Gods grace.
   So you in? I hope so because if not you may not like my blogs for the next few times hahahahaha. I want you to ask me anything, tell me anything, yell at me for maybe future cussing, laugh at me for future humor, cry with me for suture pain. But rejoice with me in healing. I am stoked.

   I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My identity is in Him alone..... and I know I have a perfect and beautiful identity because of Him. Love you guys..... this is gunna be crazy!

giiiiirl!

  I always go to the gym every day. It is basically my addiction and I cannot function without some type of workout throughout the day. This particular one I go to there are alot of very forward men. In every single race. So today I was walking up the stars and this man behind me goes..... " oh my goodness, you have got to stop that." I didn't know he was talking to me because I was just walking. Once I get to the top of the stairs he goes, " blonde! where did you come from..." I turned around and said, "Heaven, and chuckled to make it all a joke. and he continued with this whole spill... " You know I was gunna say that, I sometimes go to church and pray for woman like you to come walkin into my life..... now I don't know you, but seein by your body type I think I need to... I am single, and a really nice guy and would love to take you out.... in fact do you wanna get married?' I do a laugh.... probably louder than I should have and said, " You keep up that church doll, I am sure he will have some angel plop right next to you.." and he goes.." You are white enough to be an angel." There goes the laugh again..... I just began a slow walk away and said thank you but I am good.
  One day I am just going to have to say yes to one of these guys and see where it takes me..... Like turn it around on them and be like YES PLEASE LETS GO TO VEGAS!.... but add in like, I have to get away from my husband and my kid bc they r driving me nuts and wont let be do any drugs anymore and make up this whole story and then.... then... see what he does:) mmm I am! :)
  So gents, if you have not already gotten that this way is not the way to ask a woman out.... then... ya need a lil more help.
  Just wanted to share my day:) love you

girls on girls. ( not sexually)

  Since I have moved out to LA, I have noticed that the girls out here are the ones who judge and pressure the most.  When I moved here, I was 20 years old, so innocent, so romantic, and just eager to be the brightest light out in this city. At that point I had kissed...... 3 people? And had no intent on kissing anyone else until in a relationship. ( Like I said, I was young) While out here, I gained amazing respect from the guys, they honored that and would even guard that for me. I have some friends who are not christians who always say, " Katie you do not want that guy because he isn't good enough and doesn't love Jesus." I loved being that girl. However, with alot of girls, they would be like..." OMG what?!?!?!?! like why?!?!" And as time would progress they would even be like Katie you just go bang. ( ew hate that saying)  Of course all us girls always joke back and forth about a one night stand with a hot guy, and the thrill in the unknown! Who doesn't? Just being honest. But the difference between me and some of these girls, is I wouldn't act out on it. Girls on girls pressuring them to go hard and go fast because they can't stand having a woman stand next to them that is physically more pure than them.
   I am writing this, because I am very close with a dear friend who is me when I was 20. And has brought up the fact that these pressures bother her, and even myself without knowing have tried enticing her to just kiss someone. Who am I to do so? How dare I edge her on instead of saying how proud I am she is being patient. Because trust me ladies, he is worth the wait whether it is for a kiss or for making love. I didn't save my kiss, I never intended too, but I do intend on saving myself for my love. And so does my friend. So for the pressures my dolls, do not let them buckle your knees. They are but words of envy and emotions being spit out by buried feelings.
  Now to the girls, we do not talk in judgment for your actions, we love you for everything you are.  I am merely saying the words you say without perhaps knowing effects others.  I went off on a kissing rage last summer because everyone told me said it is just fun. ( which kissing is fun.... but not every man deserves my lips.) And not every man deserves the treasures you hold.
   So ladies calm down on each other. Love each other as you love yourself..... meaning the respect you have for others will show the respect you have for yourself. In some cases I have girls around me who do not respect themselves hardly at all.
   Let the encouraging begin, and the pressure release :)

love yall!

Just bc I care for you all.

Goodmorning loves. I woke up today with a swollen throat, makeup still on and had to go to the doctors to find out that Fumes make me feel icky.  Anyways! I got my computer back last night after an unexpected crash. :( I was not able to back anything up. Videos, pictures, music..... Thankfully, most of the all of those are on my phone, ipod, or facebook already. I wasn't too bummed though. I was more happy to get my computer back. I have to start back from scratch but do not mind it at all..... It made me think a little, Every morning we get a new chance. Every time we repent the sin are forgiven and we start over. I crash everyday. and all day long. But am constantly brought back to life and forgiven..... Just a little ramble I wanted yall to hear:)
  This is more for an encouragement for you guys. I have alot of dear ones going through quite a long and hard set of trials. I do not like ones close to me hurting. It hurts me. James 1 says; "count it all joy brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing......"
  Two years ago (almost) I got nodules on my vocal chords. I am a singer, and anything that holds my singing voice, let alone my speaking voice back pretty much depletes my whole spirit. It took reading this chapter over and over again. Working through my identity not being in my voice...... but in my Creator. I still struggle with rasp here and there, but have found contentment with whatever it is God is doing. Small example.... but these trials we go through are to be counted as joy.... Sucks right? Why joy? And why do they last so effing long? We wont know those answers. But what we will know is He will never leave us nor forsake us in these trials.
  My dad has been through hell the past two years. Trying to keep his hope up after losing a great job, and trying to find another. I questioned for a while, why such a great and humbled man would have to keep persevering for so long through such a trying time. Now with a job and a good year looking ahead  of him, we are more able to see the big picture.
   For you going through shit, keep kicking. My oldest brother Eric always told me when i was younger, Ktlady, if something is kicking you in the ass, turn around and start kicking the hell out of it back. And though that is the simplest way to think of something..... I can't help but picture it being done and it pumps me to keep going.
  I pray for you. And your trials..... There is reason for all. Standfast my loves.

Free Falling

Holy Cow it has been forever since I have written and I am very sorry for that! The past few months I have very much tried to stay afloat and living while trying my best to find a constant job. Let me just say I have been put in the passenger seat of my life and have been unable to drive. I am not in control, and have been feeling the sense of free falling for a little longer than I would originally want, but after coming back after a long trip and stepping out and breathing. I am ok with it. I went home December 20th. And while I was home, I was able to work for my dearest Auntie, or other mom however you wanna look at it, Noelle. I have worked for her and nannied for son Antonio since I was 18. That is 5 years. SOOOOO long! I knew going into the trip I was going to be busy. Working during the day, family time in the evening, and friends on into the night. Let me just say....... this trip was alot for in in the best of ways. Everything unexpected happen that could to be honest.
   I returned back to franklin with the mind set. I have everything in my hands. I do not need anyone to take care of me. I have made it this far, and will continue to make it even further. But I get home, and within a day things change, My heart is tried. My control is taken from me in the sweetest of ways. Through dear ones. My immediate reaction for this is to put walls right up. Guard myself before anyone could hurt me. I am better at hurting myself that way bc I know how to handle it now, instead of getting hurt. Um.... doesn't work. B/c now I am having to re-learn how to feel. How to trust and let guards down. I didn't know letting down walls would be so hard. Um. IT'S FREAKIN HARD AS CRAP! So willingly do I say it, but while also keeping a strong face and holding back the emotions.
  Ladies! do not be me! God gave us emotions, and they are a miraculous thing! Does  not matter if it is for work, a man, a friend, family, a child, art. you name it let the emotions flow.  My mom told me during the day when you begin to start feeling anxious. Step back, and ask yourself. How am I feeling physically, spiritually, mentally, and such. be honest with your answers.
  I am not one who easily gives up the reigns. I will put in my fight, however sometimes, we are not even given the reigns to start out with...... we just take them because we do not trust. My loves, trust. Trust in Him alone, and for the wise voices He placed into your life.
   So I am 23 today. EW! I have been back in LA for 2 days now. I am working on a short film, booked a pilot, and a comic book sketch ( ahhhahahaha ) have another pilot to be working on for later this month. Auditions set up. Bible studies in line. I am on fire. and will not be taken down. Why? B/c I am not in control of my life. I am simply following the narrow path laid before my feet. It is a hard thing. But I chose no other road.

Love you guys. This is gunna be a craycray year!

I found Love

    Been quite a little while since I have written last.  Life has been a bit of a challenge for me lately...... Lots of let downs, and yet has been the fullest month in my life.  I am, the brokest person one could ever run into. :)  Though, I have tried working in so many ways. Doing odd jobs and whatnot I am still unable to.... provide for myself. Thank God after this month, that will change.  However, though I have nothing of the one thing i have always had in my hand my whole life ( lots of money) I am the richest in character, and in love than I have ever been.  You know when a couple work through the hardest time together, and come out more in love and intimate in deeper ways? That is what I feel. Although, I am not talking about with a man, but the love in my Lord, and also my family and friends. I am on my knees. Yet stronger than I could ever think.  Though i am writing this blog right now with mascara running down my face. Hair in a nasty bun, and a case of peanut butter sitting next to me. I am telling it all to you.  Because, this blog, is about love in this crazy broke ass, beautiful, rich, fancy, empty city. And I am grateful. Because, I have found the true meaning of selfless love. I have been held while crying, fed, driven by the dearest of loves here in my life.  They  ignore my pride of not wanting help, and carry me when I cannot even feel that I am weak. Thank you!  
   Because of this, I have let walls down!!! UMMMM WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! I would think it would be the other way around. But I do tend to go opposite with some things. :)
  Anyways!!!!! I have really grown through this humility, and am forever grateful. Because, seeing the love from my friends and family, has given me more than millions ever could. That is love, and caring.
The adoration I have for each of you is astounding. You are my soul. My passion, and my light. And I thank God for each of you every day.
   I found LOVE, in the faces I see everyday. I love you

ps. was on craigslist looking for jobs.... got curious and went to the male seeking female. OH MY LORD MALANA!!! never again. That is the next blog for sure! ew!

Saying "NO" is sexy

There are so many pressures this world has to offer us.  From simple to extreme.  I attended a little house party that a friend of mine threw a few night ago.  I walk in and right away the smoke fills my lungs,  I am bumped into and booze spills on my shoes, " oh my gosh man, I mean lady, Im like so sorry." I assume they remembered nothing happening even after 5 min of walking away from me.  The guys approaching the girls, and the girls trying so hard to get the attention of the one guy they want to notice them.  They try to extreme. One friend was after this one guy I was talking to.  She came up to me, " oh my gosh Katie, why are you talking to him without introducing me, and do you know who he is?!?!? Like the hottest guy ever and he if so famous."  I knew of him somewhat, but not enough to be impressed. So everytime he would come around, she would be close behind and screaming with her girlfriends to get him to turn and see her.  I purposely tried to walk about the house alone so that I could listen to these conversations.  Most of them were about where the party was going to end up. As in which house do we want to go to yours or mine? And as the conversations continued, they would look at each other asif they were about to devour one another right there. ( Nothing really wrong with that, b/c I know when I am with my man, there will be some time where I am like, ok lets leave I wanna be with just you.)  However what threw me was that every questioned asked or anything offered, everyone just said yes. Wanna do this, try this, have this, wanna kiss. Everyone just said yes. And so, the guys were stoked because they were getting what they wanted without having to try for it in any way. And girls was exited because the hot guy was flirting with them and could maybe even LOVE them. NOPE!
Not exactly how it really works.
    If there is one thing I do know is true, guys and girls, looooooove a challenge. So when one says "sure" right away, there goes the little chase. But when one gives a little, but keep the other wanting more, it entices the other more so. As a small example, one of my girlfriends and I went to hangout at a friends house and play some games. We had some drinks, and so ended up wanting to play it safe and not drive, so we just stayed there. We both split up with the guys. ( which already is a bad idea, and not guarding any hearts in this case...... learned my lesson mom....:) ) When I have a drink I tend to get more cuddly then I already am, and since we had kissed before I assumed the same was to happen..... we cuddled for a sec, and I remembered I began to rub his chest, and he turned to me and said " I don't want to do it this way Katie." I was so impressed and remembered looking at him with so much adoration.  Made me think he was even sexier then he already is, because, he knew how to stop it, and how to say no to a temptation and a pressure. I think I told him he was a good man for doing so. If not, I need to tell him:)
   When there is a respect there, the sex appeal is also apparent.  When I as a young lady, sees a guy Humble and serving, I am more turned on to that than seeing Brad Pitt shirtless in Fightclub.  Also, from what I have been told by the men in my life I adore, honor and trust, a woman is sexy when driven, and when there is an unknown about her. In other words, she does not give it all away at first meeting.
    Respect, honor, patience, and wisdom. Really seek those this week.

Quite Enough

" I was so unique, now I feel skin deep..... Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention.... though I could be strong, but it's killing me..... I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, be amazed...." By Bethany Dillon.   This song sums up so much of what us girls go through.  When things are going well with life we feel so strong, asif we need no one. But when something stumps us, and makes us feel small for a second, we gasp, and do not know what we can do to fix things. We look in the mirror only to see something we do not like. The skin, the rolls, the eyes, the lips, the hair. Longing for it to be perfect so he will adore us in every fashion of life. Wanting to always keep his attention on you. But when it does not come, what does one do? We want to be so worthy, so adorned, and so loved that he sees no other woman. And so, to get to this point, we try to clothe ourselves in the hottest fashion, in the best makeup that covers every flaw, keep our bodies the slimmest we can to make the sex appeal to him daily. This feeling sucks.  Because, no matter the amount one tries to make themselves perfect, they will never reach it. When we reach a goal.... we make another more insane one to meet the next month, only for him. What is really in his mind. One may never know. But of this I do know. The songs ends with.. " You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe, You step inside my heart, and I am amazed, I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough, You make me worthy of love, and beautiful."
   I cannot tell you how hard it is to write this down right now. Because as my fingers type I am wanting to make myself skinnier, cleanse my skin of all its scares, have the look that captures him every moment. But needing to realize, I am quite enough. My beauty is not of this world, but of something fuller and more breathtaking than any one could describe.  Beauty in Christ is undying, trusting, always patient, always kind, does not envy other bodies or faces, but endures all.....
   But it can be hard when the slump times come to our door. As much as we try to lock them out and stay guarded from them.... it is impossible.  Which is my I adore Pride and Prejudice. :)

The Purpose.

  I went back to the wonderful south this past week to surprise my family. While there i was able to talk with mamma about things that had been on my mind, and things I was a little convicted with. She gave me a book called Every Woman's Battle.  As I took the book from her I was thinking in the back of my head about how I would just skim over the pages and get an overview of what the message was. ( Because honestly i am not the biggest reader. I would much rather be acting the book out, be outside and what not.) The next day I was heading back home, so on the plane I took the book and began to see what it had to say. WOW! I am now able to step outside the bubble and take a look at the big picture and how I can hold myself accountable but also guard my guy friends. Really good! A must read ladies!!! B/c the stories in the book are real and vulnerable! You will love this read!
   While I was home. I was able to kinda come back to where I had used to be. With that said I feel to be more of a romantic than I already was. GREAT!!! Now I am going to be more sappy? More hopeless ( or hopeful) More lovey dovey? Perhaps, but not exactly. I am, however, more exited and humbled about becoming the woman my husband deserves.  I am more ready to let myself be corrected, and held accountable because I want to glow as a true woman of grace, rather than just a sex icon. However, I intend on being the sexiest for him that is for dang sure!!! ( Ciara's video 'ride'.... Amel Larrieux's 'make me whole'... and other love songs...) I want him to be able to look to me and see the true love I have for him, and feel the same passion for me.

    Love is as Corinthians says. Patient, Kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not easily angered, is not self-seeking, keeps no recored of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres.  ( 1 Cor. 13: 1-8.)   Love is selfless. And I intend to try my best at this view of love for not only my family and friends, but for my other half. Because he is deserving of it. so call me a sap. But i am totally basking in this feeling. And this humble feeling makes me high as a crackhead on head! If that makes any sense. 

   As you work on your heart for the preparation of that love, it shows on your outer layer as well. Think about it. You know a kind hearted person and perhaps they may not be the hottest thing ever, but what you adore about them is the kindness and loving attribute they live out. And you think about their beauty that way. What a wonderful thing yeah? yup! You bet!

   Now I am not saying go in your room, and just read your Bible and soak in the best books and hope for the best! No! That is fine, but a lil lazy. Be out there! Read. Yes that is important. Hold yourself accountable yes. But shoot girl!!! Make yourself beautiful also on the outside. Knowing your beauty is on the inside is key. But do not let that make you want to just let the rest go. Working from the inside out and keeping up with the outside also is legit!  

  Rambled on a bit this time:) But this is what is on my heart, in my head. 

love you!

fantasy? or the real?

  A very dear friend of mine and I found ourselves driving around north hollywood talking about our men situations.  Crazy huh? Two girls talking about boys.... since when does that happen? :) Anyways, we kept coming back to a big question that even her dad could not exactly answer. Here is it.... Why is it, we are told you are the most amazing girl, I would marry you, the best girl I know... and why can't other girls be like you..... yet..... we are the girls not taken on the dates.  Still, they ask out the tiny bimbos, and the skanky ladies.  Now I personally and ok with waiting, because if my beloved sees me for me and knows my heart, then he wont want anyone else.... However right now the good guys go for the bad girls... And it sucks as the 'best friend' if you wanna say.... to see an honorable man getting sucked into the shallow girls. Even so, they talk about settling down and wanting to slowly look for THE GIRL, but still, shallow. Now this is something that has happened for a long time. And now I am finally wanting some feedback.
  This does however point to something. Because what men see on magazines, in movies, and in porn is a body that is not natural. And, because they are used to letting themselves see that and get used to that, they make that vision of a woman reality. The tiny tiny waist.  The big chest. Plump lips. And always getting one to a high.  However, that is not us.  So,  you will be let down constantly by a so called normal woman.  And that, is your bad. If you, have this made up vision in mind, and the real thing not coming close to what you have in mind, then yes, you will not be satisfied.  So, why not the real thing? Why the fantasy?
  Men also say they love a woman with some curves.  I think curves are amaaaazing. That is what makes us different from the man. Well one reason.  So you love the curves, yet run towards the model shape. ( and this is not to point fingers or be angry at skinny girls.... b/c you also are beautiful)  I know I need to keep in mind that most people are drawn to a type, however is that type shallow? Because if you think about it, when it comes to porn and when it comes to having the sexiest hottest, whatnot girl you are self serving yourself.... and seeking your own desires.
   Now this is not going to change me. I love the way I look ( most of the time ).  I love that my bootay cannot fit in jeans very well.... my breasts make me look bigger than I am.  My skin is has marks on it. And my thighs are thick.  But we just wonder, why do men say these things, then go for another. Where are our dates? Not that we do not have any at all, But the men we adore and love, fall for the typical hot. But when you think about it, the typical hot is just a small shell...
   I suppose age also has to do with it.  Why be dumb and get a quick fix? Even if you men do not want to get married right now, why not prepare yourself for the biggest love of your life... That is what I am doing...... and I will give you this..... My friend and I were talking about being the best wife we can be, and golly, we will have the tightest bodies, with curves you will love to hold.  The longest patience, because already we await your arrival. The best lovin.... because we have waited our lives to give it all to you. and i mean ALLLL!!! ;) not afraid to say that aloud.
   But really.... why.

Patience is a Virtue!!

    Oh my goodness!!! I am not good with this word. The P word!! PATIENCE!! I have the worst road rage, the worst!!!! So my patience always falls short for that big time..... actually not sure that will ever change :). hehehe. However, being patient for other things such as career, and love, are slowly getting stronger.
  Career wise, slow and steady is always good. But, because I am a go-getta, the whole being patient and trusting God the open and close the doors for what is to come has always been alot easier to say than do.  In the entertainment industry, because everything moves so quickly, when you are going slowly along, you feel as if you are not getting anywhere, when really you are moving steadily and building your whole character the correct way.  So, whenever you are feeling as if things are stopped and going nowhere, then let yourself be still for a second, step outside of the picture around you, look at the big view, and breath.  Because, it is going to be ok.
   Now. Love. For one thing as a side note.... I am writing this after four hours of sleep, and have pandora on, listening to mariah tunes, and now Boyz II men singing one sweet day! hahahhaha such an amazing song though. So maybe while you read this soak in it ;) hahha just kidding! Ok, no more side notes.  I do happen to think I am a bit patient for love. I mean, not having a relationship and being careful on waiting for the ONE! However, I have been a bit more out there than I usually am. Perhaps because I am just comfortable in me and not afraid to let someone get a taste.... But do they deserve it? Ugh.... I kissed someone else again this weekend... sorry mommy! lol. He captured me, he was charming, admirable, and adventurous, and a good kisser too. We were under the open sky!!!!! So romantic!!!
  However, does being patient for love aslo mean being patient for the physical also? I think so. Keeping even more of yourself for your beloved. I tend to open myself up very easily about my life to others, but, when it comes to letting someone fully in.... no one has ever gotten that far.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, and he was saying that he holds alot of him in only for those closest to him. Family and then when he gets married, he will share everything with his wife.  I think that is so special.  I used to always say that I would be so patient and hold everything in..... yeah.... that lasted maybe a day :-/. ahhah. I love seeing how people wait in their own ways.
  The point I am trying to get across, is that your beloved is going to worth the wait, and the tears you may have already cried over them. I have kept alot of big things for the man I will call mine. At times I have been asked to let everything go.  But I already love him too much to do such a thing..... And so!!! Because my mind has been thinking..... more and more. I am even more intent on saving my kisses.  For someone I am completely in like with! Because let me tell you....  the difference between a kiss with chemistry and passion is so much more enticing than that of a quick fun one.
   MMMMMM my man is gunna love love love me down! :)

SEXY!

  A dear friend of mine is in town and we have gotten to catch up on everything in life. We are having all the main girl talks while she is here..... you know, God, boys, sex, bodies, sex, and boys, and oh yeah! sex. hahahahah I love the random crazy phrases that come out of our mouths. Gents, you do not even know.  My friend marisa, who is a CRAZY Italian young woman ( she prides herself on it.) Is more put it out there.  She is not afraid of anything.  She is the who cares type. The, I know who I am and I know you want me so lets try something!  Although she can be a bit out there. (In a good way) I look up to her in so many ways! Such a true breath of fresh air.  The things that drives you nuts about her are the things you cannot live without about her also!  That, men, is sexy!
  The things you cannot stand about a person, are also the things you cannot live without.  The perfections are found in the imperfections of the other lover. I grew up saying that phrase with my girls back home.  hahahaha Our phrases consisted of... Find the perfection in the imperfection. Rejection is protection. hhahahaha and of course... A women who fears the Lord is to be praised. and to be honest! I think that is sexy. Sometimes, when you think your being a nerd and whatnot, your being sexy to another.
  We are told to be tiny, have big boobs, perky butts, flawless skin, and fashion that screams money and sex. However, the past few weeks I have been thinking hard about this!
  I like to dress up, put my heels on and stack on the makeup...... however, I feel the best when I am in leggings and a lose off the shoulder sweater. I love getting done reading the scriptures and being so filled. I love that my Identity is not in anything fleeting.
  Marisa and I have talked about how hard we will work to stay sexy for the men that we marry.  To always keep them on their toes.... and boy do we have our plans and ideas..;) you wanna know? Betta put a rang on it baby! However, we also know that no matter the skin the wrinkles... and the vanes that show.... The beauty and purity is ageless on the inside... WOW! I sound so preachy and cheesy. However, we all know it is true. The beauty of anyone goes from the inside out..... and there is no ignoring it..... mmhhhmm....