I found Love

    Been quite a little while since I have written last.  Life has been a bit of a challenge for me lately...... Lots of let downs, and yet has been the fullest month in my life.  I am, the brokest person one could ever run into. :)  Though, I have tried working in so many ways. Doing odd jobs and whatnot I am still unable to.... provide for myself. Thank God after this month, that will change.  However, though I have nothing of the one thing i have always had in my hand my whole life ( lots of money) I am the richest in character, and in love than I have ever been.  You know when a couple work through the hardest time together, and come out more in love and intimate in deeper ways? That is what I feel. Although, I am not talking about with a man, but the love in my Lord, and also my family and friends. I am on my knees. Yet stronger than I could ever think.  Though i am writing this blog right now with mascara running down my face. Hair in a nasty bun, and a case of peanut butter sitting next to me. I am telling it all to you.  Because, this blog, is about love in this crazy broke ass, beautiful, rich, fancy, empty city. And I am grateful. Because, I have found the true meaning of selfless love. I have been held while crying, fed, driven by the dearest of loves here in my life.  They  ignore my pride of not wanting help, and carry me when I cannot even feel that I am weak. Thank you!  
   Because of this, I have let walls down!!! UMMMM WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! I would think it would be the other way around. But I do tend to go opposite with some things. :)
  Anyways!!!!! I have really grown through this humility, and am forever grateful. Because, seeing the love from my friends and family, has given me more than millions ever could. That is love, and caring.
The adoration I have for each of you is astounding. You are my soul. My passion, and my light. And I thank God for each of you every day.
   I found LOVE, in the faces I see everyday. I love you

ps. was on craigslist looking for jobs.... got curious and went to the male seeking female. OH MY LORD MALANA!!! never again. That is the next blog for sure! ew!

Saying "NO" is sexy

There are so many pressures this world has to offer us.  From simple to extreme.  I attended a little house party that a friend of mine threw a few night ago.  I walk in and right away the smoke fills my lungs,  I am bumped into and booze spills on my shoes, " oh my gosh man, I mean lady, Im like so sorry." I assume they remembered nothing happening even after 5 min of walking away from me.  The guys approaching the girls, and the girls trying so hard to get the attention of the one guy they want to notice them.  They try to extreme. One friend was after this one guy I was talking to.  She came up to me, " oh my gosh Katie, why are you talking to him without introducing me, and do you know who he is?!?!? Like the hottest guy ever and he if so famous."  I knew of him somewhat, but not enough to be impressed. So everytime he would come around, she would be close behind and screaming with her girlfriends to get him to turn and see her.  I purposely tried to walk about the house alone so that I could listen to these conversations.  Most of them were about where the party was going to end up. As in which house do we want to go to yours or mine? And as the conversations continued, they would look at each other asif they were about to devour one another right there. ( Nothing really wrong with that, b/c I know when I am with my man, there will be some time where I am like, ok lets leave I wanna be with just you.)  However what threw me was that every questioned asked or anything offered, everyone just said yes. Wanna do this, try this, have this, wanna kiss. Everyone just said yes. And so, the guys were stoked because they were getting what they wanted without having to try for it in any way. And girls was exited because the hot guy was flirting with them and could maybe even LOVE them. NOPE!
Not exactly how it really works.
    If there is one thing I do know is true, guys and girls, looooooove a challenge. So when one says "sure" right away, there goes the little chase. But when one gives a little, but keep the other wanting more, it entices the other more so. As a small example, one of my girlfriends and I went to hangout at a friends house and play some games. We had some drinks, and so ended up wanting to play it safe and not drive, so we just stayed there. We both split up with the guys. ( which already is a bad idea, and not guarding any hearts in this case...... learned my lesson mom....:) ) When I have a drink I tend to get more cuddly then I already am, and since we had kissed before I assumed the same was to happen..... we cuddled for a sec, and I remembered I began to rub his chest, and he turned to me and said " I don't want to do it this way Katie." I was so impressed and remembered looking at him with so much adoration.  Made me think he was even sexier then he already is, because, he knew how to stop it, and how to say no to a temptation and a pressure. I think I told him he was a good man for doing so. If not, I need to tell him:)
   When there is a respect there, the sex appeal is also apparent.  When I as a young lady, sees a guy Humble and serving, I am more turned on to that than seeing Brad Pitt shirtless in Fightclub.  Also, from what I have been told by the men in my life I adore, honor and trust, a woman is sexy when driven, and when there is an unknown about her. In other words, she does not give it all away at first meeting.
    Respect, honor, patience, and wisdom. Really seek those this week.

Quite Enough

" I was so unique, now I feel skin deep..... Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention.... though I could be strong, but it's killing me..... I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, be amazed...." By Bethany Dillon.   This song sums up so much of what us girls go through.  When things are going well with life we feel so strong, asif we need no one. But when something stumps us, and makes us feel small for a second, we gasp, and do not know what we can do to fix things. We look in the mirror only to see something we do not like. The skin, the rolls, the eyes, the lips, the hair. Longing for it to be perfect so he will adore us in every fashion of life. Wanting to always keep his attention on you. But when it does not come, what does one do? We want to be so worthy, so adorned, and so loved that he sees no other woman. And so, to get to this point, we try to clothe ourselves in the hottest fashion, in the best makeup that covers every flaw, keep our bodies the slimmest we can to make the sex appeal to him daily. This feeling sucks.  Because, no matter the amount one tries to make themselves perfect, they will never reach it. When we reach a goal.... we make another more insane one to meet the next month, only for him. What is really in his mind. One may never know. But of this I do know. The songs ends with.. " You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe, You step inside my heart, and I am amazed, I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough, You make me worthy of love, and beautiful."
   I cannot tell you how hard it is to write this down right now. Because as my fingers type I am wanting to make myself skinnier, cleanse my skin of all its scares, have the look that captures him every moment. But needing to realize, I am quite enough. My beauty is not of this world, but of something fuller and more breathtaking than any one could describe.  Beauty in Christ is undying, trusting, always patient, always kind, does not envy other bodies or faces, but endures all.....
   But it can be hard when the slump times come to our door. As much as we try to lock them out and stay guarded from them.... it is impossible.  Which is my I adore Pride and Prejudice. :)

The Purpose.

  I went back to the wonderful south this past week to surprise my family. While there i was able to talk with mamma about things that had been on my mind, and things I was a little convicted with. She gave me a book called Every Woman's Battle.  As I took the book from her I was thinking in the back of my head about how I would just skim over the pages and get an overview of what the message was. ( Because honestly i am not the biggest reader. I would much rather be acting the book out, be outside and what not.) The next day I was heading back home, so on the plane I took the book and began to see what it had to say. WOW! I am now able to step outside the bubble and take a look at the big picture and how I can hold myself accountable but also guard my guy friends. Really good! A must read ladies!!! B/c the stories in the book are real and vulnerable! You will love this read!
   While I was home. I was able to kinda come back to where I had used to be. With that said I feel to be more of a romantic than I already was. GREAT!!! Now I am going to be more sappy? More hopeless ( or hopeful) More lovey dovey? Perhaps, but not exactly. I am, however, more exited and humbled about becoming the woman my husband deserves.  I am more ready to let myself be corrected, and held accountable because I want to glow as a true woman of grace, rather than just a sex icon. However, I intend on being the sexiest for him that is for dang sure!!! ( Ciara's video 'ride'.... Amel Larrieux's 'make me whole'... and other love songs...) I want him to be able to look to me and see the true love I have for him, and feel the same passion for me.

    Love is as Corinthians says. Patient, Kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not easily angered, is not self-seeking, keeps no recored of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres.  ( 1 Cor. 13: 1-8.)   Love is selfless. And I intend to try my best at this view of love for not only my family and friends, but for my other half. Because he is deserving of it. so call me a sap. But i am totally basking in this feeling. And this humble feeling makes me high as a crackhead on head! If that makes any sense. 

   As you work on your heart for the preparation of that love, it shows on your outer layer as well. Think about it. You know a kind hearted person and perhaps they may not be the hottest thing ever, but what you adore about them is the kindness and loving attribute they live out. And you think about their beauty that way. What a wonderful thing yeah? yup! You bet!

   Now I am not saying go in your room, and just read your Bible and soak in the best books and hope for the best! No! That is fine, but a lil lazy. Be out there! Read. Yes that is important. Hold yourself accountable yes. But shoot girl!!! Make yourself beautiful also on the outside. Knowing your beauty is on the inside is key. But do not let that make you want to just let the rest go. Working from the inside out and keeping up with the outside also is legit!  

  Rambled on a bit this time:) But this is what is on my heart, in my head. 

love you!

fantasy? or the real?

  A very dear friend of mine and I found ourselves driving around north hollywood talking about our men situations.  Crazy huh? Two girls talking about boys.... since when does that happen? :) Anyways, we kept coming back to a big question that even her dad could not exactly answer. Here is it.... Why is it, we are told you are the most amazing girl, I would marry you, the best girl I know... and why can't other girls be like you..... yet..... we are the girls not taken on the dates.  Still, they ask out the tiny bimbos, and the skanky ladies.  Now I personally and ok with waiting, because if my beloved sees me for me and knows my heart, then he wont want anyone else.... However right now the good guys go for the bad girls... And it sucks as the 'best friend' if you wanna say.... to see an honorable man getting sucked into the shallow girls. Even so, they talk about settling down and wanting to slowly look for THE GIRL, but still, shallow. Now this is something that has happened for a long time. And now I am finally wanting some feedback.
  This does however point to something. Because what men see on magazines, in movies, and in porn is a body that is not natural. And, because they are used to letting themselves see that and get used to that, they make that vision of a woman reality. The tiny tiny waist.  The big chest. Plump lips. And always getting one to a high.  However, that is not us.  So,  you will be let down constantly by a so called normal woman.  And that, is your bad. If you, have this made up vision in mind, and the real thing not coming close to what you have in mind, then yes, you will not be satisfied.  So, why not the real thing? Why the fantasy?
  Men also say they love a woman with some curves.  I think curves are amaaaazing. That is what makes us different from the man. Well one reason.  So you love the curves, yet run towards the model shape. ( and this is not to point fingers or be angry at skinny girls.... b/c you also are beautiful)  I know I need to keep in mind that most people are drawn to a type, however is that type shallow? Because if you think about it, when it comes to porn and when it comes to having the sexiest hottest, whatnot girl you are self serving yourself.... and seeking your own desires.
   Now this is not going to change me. I love the way I look ( most of the time ).  I love that my bootay cannot fit in jeans very well.... my breasts make me look bigger than I am.  My skin is has marks on it. And my thighs are thick.  But we just wonder, why do men say these things, then go for another. Where are our dates? Not that we do not have any at all, But the men we adore and love, fall for the typical hot. But when you think about it, the typical hot is just a small shell...
   I suppose age also has to do with it.  Why be dumb and get a quick fix? Even if you men do not want to get married right now, why not prepare yourself for the biggest love of your life... That is what I am doing...... and I will give you this..... My friend and I were talking about being the best wife we can be, and golly, we will have the tightest bodies, with curves you will love to hold.  The longest patience, because already we await your arrival. The best lovin.... because we have waited our lives to give it all to you. and i mean ALLLL!!! ;) not afraid to say that aloud.
   But really.... why.

Patience is a Virtue!!

    Oh my goodness!!! I am not good with this word. The P word!! PATIENCE!! I have the worst road rage, the worst!!!! So my patience always falls short for that big time..... actually not sure that will ever change :). hehehe. However, being patient for other things such as career, and love, are slowly getting stronger.
  Career wise, slow and steady is always good. But, because I am a go-getta, the whole being patient and trusting God the open and close the doors for what is to come has always been alot easier to say than do.  In the entertainment industry, because everything moves so quickly, when you are going slowly along, you feel as if you are not getting anywhere, when really you are moving steadily and building your whole character the correct way.  So, whenever you are feeling as if things are stopped and going nowhere, then let yourself be still for a second, step outside of the picture around you, look at the big view, and breath.  Because, it is going to be ok.
   Now. Love. For one thing as a side note.... I am writing this after four hours of sleep, and have pandora on, listening to mariah tunes, and now Boyz II men singing one sweet day! hahahhaha such an amazing song though. So maybe while you read this soak in it ;) hahha just kidding! Ok, no more side notes.  I do happen to think I am a bit patient for love. I mean, not having a relationship and being careful on waiting for the ONE! However, I have been a bit more out there than I usually am. Perhaps because I am just comfortable in me and not afraid to let someone get a taste.... But do they deserve it? Ugh.... I kissed someone else again this weekend... sorry mommy! lol. He captured me, he was charming, admirable, and adventurous, and a good kisser too. We were under the open sky!!!!! So romantic!!!
  However, does being patient for love aslo mean being patient for the physical also? I think so. Keeping even more of yourself for your beloved. I tend to open myself up very easily about my life to others, but, when it comes to letting someone fully in.... no one has ever gotten that far.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, and he was saying that he holds alot of him in only for those closest to him. Family and then when he gets married, he will share everything with his wife.  I think that is so special.  I used to always say that I would be so patient and hold everything in..... yeah.... that lasted maybe a day :-/. ahhah. I love seeing how people wait in their own ways.
  The point I am trying to get across, is that your beloved is going to worth the wait, and the tears you may have already cried over them. I have kept alot of big things for the man I will call mine. At times I have been asked to let everything go.  But I already love him too much to do such a thing..... And so!!! Because my mind has been thinking..... more and more. I am even more intent on saving my kisses.  For someone I am completely in like with! Because let me tell you....  the difference between a kiss with chemistry and passion is so much more enticing than that of a quick fun one.
   MMMMMM my man is gunna love love love me down! :)

SEXY!

  A dear friend of mine is in town and we have gotten to catch up on everything in life. We are having all the main girl talks while she is here..... you know, God, boys, sex, bodies, sex, and boys, and oh yeah! sex. hahahahah I love the random crazy phrases that come out of our mouths. Gents, you do not even know.  My friend marisa, who is a CRAZY Italian young woman ( she prides herself on it.) Is more put it out there.  She is not afraid of anything.  She is the who cares type. The, I know who I am and I know you want me so lets try something!  Although she can be a bit out there. (In a good way) I look up to her in so many ways! Such a true breath of fresh air.  The things that drives you nuts about her are the things you cannot live without about her also!  That, men, is sexy!
  The things you cannot stand about a person, are also the things you cannot live without.  The perfections are found in the imperfections of the other lover. I grew up saying that phrase with my girls back home.  hahahaha Our phrases consisted of... Find the perfection in the imperfection. Rejection is protection. hhahahaha and of course... A women who fears the Lord is to be praised. and to be honest! I think that is sexy. Sometimes, when you think your being a nerd and whatnot, your being sexy to another.
  We are told to be tiny, have big boobs, perky butts, flawless skin, and fashion that screams money and sex. However, the past few weeks I have been thinking hard about this!
  I like to dress up, put my heels on and stack on the makeup...... however, I feel the best when I am in leggings and a lose off the shoulder sweater. I love getting done reading the scriptures and being so filled. I love that my Identity is not in anything fleeting.
  Marisa and I have talked about how hard we will work to stay sexy for the men that we marry.  To always keep them on their toes.... and boy do we have our plans and ideas..;) you wanna know? Betta put a rang on it baby! However, we also know that no matter the skin the wrinkles... and the vanes that show.... The beauty and purity is ageless on the inside... WOW! I sound so preachy and cheesy. However, we all know it is true. The beauty of anyone goes from the inside out..... and there is no ignoring it..... mmhhhmm....

 

Go For It!!!

I turned down a date this weekend... :-/.  Perhaps because there are a few others I would rather go out with. BUT I am not tied down to anyone. I just hate that whole... awkward for real date after JUST meeting them in a club a week before!! Maybe that is the reason!!! The meeting at a club. However, should that club man be taken out of the equation only because he was in the club? I guess not! So pretty much what I started my blog for..... I am not letting happen. EEEK! I knew I would have to jump out of my comfort zone for this. dumb! I suppose I just use the man for confidence build up, and a good conversation, and then peace out the chance I get...... nonetheless, what if the guy is not someone you had only met for a night? What if he was a friend? Someone who you have invested relations and trust in.  This friend begins pursuing perhaps more.  Not just a friendship.  Go for it? Or no! Because all these questions come up!!! In my mind at least. Does he want to get serious? What if another guy wants you later down the road a bit? Am I wanting this or is it just fun and safe?!?! ugh. DO NOT ASK THE QUESTIONS!
    You cannot be afraid to let someone in. Especially if he is deserving! Doing everything right, and being kind and encouraging. Give a chance! This goes for club men and also for friends. I am a firm believer that love at first sight can occur, but I also believe one day after being friends with someone for even ten years you can wake up and be completely in love with them.
  Anyhow, Open yourself up a little! You do not have to open your legs or your mouth! ( although that tends to come along with it for most... hhahah) open up the heart. Cheeseballs I know.... But if he is reaching for and deserving it, then GO FOR IT!  Because in todays society, when a good man actually approaches you and asks you for a hangout, a date.... give him one!

Get what i'm preachin? ;)

Give me a kiss to build a dream on.

   A kiss. A touching of the lips. Just lips. Is that a big deal? I always was the girl wanting to hide my kisses from people. They meant alot to me. My lips are worth more than just a kiss and run. However, as of late, I have forgotten the meaning, the passion, and the true desire for a kiss. I have kissed,  under 10 guys in my 22 years. Now me thinking right now, that is not very many, but in my heart and my true feelings, that number is to much for me. Just me personally. Now, do not get me wrong. hahaha I LOOOOOVVVEEE to kiss. I love to be held and embraced. Although, I have yet to be held and embraced for more than a night. Kiss and run. Also, while kissing, I have not felt that spark, the, " I must have you and keep you close to me." Well, I take that back, perhaps once.
  The last person i kissed, I met 4 hours before kissing him. The fun and flirt go away quickly. And I am left walking out and feeling icky. I am not trying to be this perfectly pure girl.... because trust me, my thoughts tend to be far from pure. Just being honest.:) I do not want to just kiss. I want to KIIIISSSSS. I want to be wanted and needed for that kiss from the man. His lips desire mine and his arms reach out for me, take me in, and have his way with me. hahahahahah Getting all sappy I know, however I just woke up and all these feelings came rushing.
   All I am really saying, is I am worth more than just a simple kiss and go. I lost that feeling for a while. I gave my lips away to whomever would take them. ( they had to make the first move of course ;) ) hahahaha. Give me a kiss to build a dream on..... Give me a kiss to build a life on..... kiss me. And give me the world through one moment.  Totally sappy I know, but I do believe in a kiss, something magical can happen.... mmmhhhmmm:)
  So for me, I want to hide my kisses. Keep them safe I suppose. Because let me tell you, my kisses are full, and good.... and I want to give them to the man who deserves them... I do not expect to only kiss one more man in my life, but I would at least like to know him more than four hours. ;)

Making Yourself Comfortable.

   I had a good conversation with a new friend of mine the other day, and when I say new friend, I literally mean new.  I met Scott at a BBQ on sunday. We have fun hanging out and talking, exchange numbers, and two days later I get a phone call saying he had a friend in town and needed someone to hangout while Scott worked. So I picked him up and after a few hours we became best friends. Hahahaha. I suppose it does not take to much time to create a wonderful friendship. ( in some cases) Anyways, I was talking to Vince ( the new friend) and he was talking about guys and girls. He was telling me he was very wise when it came to relationship things..... I suppose we all think that way, but he was pretty legit. Although,  he made a big point at the end of the conversation ladies. I asked him what he liked in a girl, the looks and whatnot.... He rambled on and then summed everything up in the perfect saying. " If she does not look comfortable, then I am not comfortable." In his case, he was talking about fashion, such as wearing the highest heals and the tightest dresses where we are always having to suck in and put out arms around our bellies, so no one sees the rolls..... But really, the saying could be taken in more ways than one. If I am not comfortable.... for me, to be comfy means.... being around people I feel safe with, and then when it comes to fashion, just leggings and a hoodie, or dress and my Uggs. mmmmmm!!! But really, we go out of our way to always try to be perfect that we forget who we really are!
   Living in Hollywood does intensify this whole thing times ten. However all ladies really try to hide themselves to make themselves stand out to all men. Why hide? What is there to hide ladies? We are all made so differently, yet still share the same beauty! How ravishing is that!?
  I adore art, and try to get to the museums as often as I can, and the portraits of women are all portrayed so differently, but the purity and the womanly figure is still depicted the same. (well, most of the time).
Every curve placed where it is designed to be. Every freckle, every hair.  I urge you all to read through Song of Solomon. I do not care if you are a Christian, this is a book that so wonderfully describes love and the body and the intimacy we all desire. I will be honest. The book is all out there. And I love it for that! Read Solomon chapter 4. The chapter goes into His adoration for his bride. Wow.
   We are all made in different shapes and sizes. We all desire a love that will never fail. We all desire to be rescued. However until we are comfortable with our own selves. No man will feel comfortable around us.
  So get Comfy!!!! :)

Ps.  go ahead and listen to some sexy songs and dance around the kitchen! Always helps.:)

The beginning.

  The thought of a blog has been on my mind for longer than I should admit.  However, lately, with the events going on in my life right now, I have felt even stronger about following through with the writing.
  First off. I am a terrible speller. I ramble. But you will be entertained im sure.
  I moved to Los Angeles September of 2008. I was 20 years old and thought I had the world on my shoulders.... I still do, but have a different perspective now:) Once I moved out here I was taken by all the different people around me. I am a romantic, and this city was so ambiguous to me. I loved it! However, when I moved out here. Everything about love, and what I thought it was came crashing down. The relationships around me, both boyfriend girlfriend and husband and wife seemed to be in the hardest times ever! My sister, my mom and dad, and best friends..... It was ichy to me. But still I didn't give up on the wonderful thought of finding that perfect someone:) As time progressed I fell for guys that captivated me and made me always guess and wonder about them.  To be honest.... I went for the bad boys. The players. the ones who slept around night and day after night and day.... You see.... I have been in love once, back in Tennessee with someone who did not love me back..... with that said I still loved him and he was my standard, so I didn't really date anyone else... ok! I have not had a boyfriend yet. I don't want to settle! AND!!! I want a man to ask me out. and pursue me, not the other way around. So, as you can guess, because I have fallen for the wrong guys, I have yet to get anyone out here in LA. The pace is so different then anywhere else. The expectation to sleep with someone on the first introduction is quite high.... sorry, but I agree with beyonce. If you like it baby. Put a damn ring on it and don't waist my time or your time. ok! With all that said. The meaning of this blog to for you all to read about my life in this city... Good girl as some would say.... living in a big city while still hopefully for a true and pure love. Cant it happen? hahahah I suppose we will see. I will be brutal and honest, and make myself vulnerable to my readers. I will let you know about dates and the spots that are my favorite. As for now.... im sitting in the laundry mat and a old mexican man keeps looking at me. Maybe this is my chance? hahah. maybe a date doing laundry? That could be cute......