Be Good to You

 We all know this year has been quite the year of trials, lil bumps, laughs, tears, goals being met, and goals changing.  It has been a year of growing, and it is the best and hardest thing anyone will go through.  As I have been going through this, I am the type of person that shrugs things off and digs into the business of work and gym. Let myself drown in them before I can sit and think about it because I do not like the way it feels.... However, I am trying to step back and try to work it out so that I do not harden myself anymore than I already am. Luckily I have softened a lil, and I am still trying to figure out if I like it.... Because I am not used to it at all. My mom has told me, "Katie, treat yourself to something, you have to take care of Katie." I told her I am. I work, and workout and hang with friends and I find alot of filling in that! She goes "no, something out of the ordinary, you work because you can busy yourself, you workout for the same reason, and you hang with friends because you like to serve them and not yourself." I was like... Dang mom. Ok well Lets see..... I kept coming up with work and workout and taking my friends out, I even went shopping and didn't buy much. ( as funny as that sounds it means alot for me hahahahaha) I realized by how I treat myself it shows how I feel about myself. In a sense. The scripture tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. How much do we love ourselves? Um.... I can't stand myself 90% of the time because of the pressure I put on myself... Sorry neighbors.... working on it. ;)
    It is so easy to take care of someone else and push ourselves out of the picture because we do not wanna look in the mirror and see what is there, because we only see someone we cannot stand. Well guess what!!!! When God looks at us, does He see that? No! We were intricately woven and created so individually and stamped with his fingerprints that He sees His daughter or son, and is PROUD.  This past weekend was Easter. If we were not worth it then He would not have sent His son for our sakes.  Thus, with Christ redeeming us, we have our full identity in Him. What do you think about when you think of Him? Fat, ugly, loser, failure, empty, guilty, lost? Absolutely not. We think, Perfectly made, beautiful, chosen, filled with the Spirit, cleansed, found.
   Will we struggle with this feeling? of course. I will always have insecurities in myself because my flesh is fallen, but knowing my identity is in my creator I can withstand the lies that come into my head. Easier said than done of course, but still. I am learning how to through it all up into His hands. HARD!!!!!!! Because this lady y'all likes to be front and center and in control of everything. And now I got to let it be!??!?!! EF!! But the freeing feeling of casting anxiety to Him is the best! You cannot carry it alone my love. Not even close. Give it up, and treat yourself to something good:) You do deserve it. It is a healing process from the inside out, but it is nice because when you treat yourself you can hold, feel, or taste it.
   How I have been. I went and did some shopping, I got two pairs of HOT heals that make me feel very sexy when I wear them. I also go dancing:) ahahhahaha. Let people treat me if they ask to. I always turned down that blessing, when people offered to take me for nails, or lunch, I would say no, thinking in my head I can take myself out if I want to. Take the blessing someone wants to give you.
 Now I have rambled off all over the place as usual. But my point is to take care of you from the inside out. Love, it is worth it. Because doing so, you feel great! I know I do! ( that sounded like a commercial)

LOVE YOU

day by day

   I have honestly typed about fifty different lines to start out this blog..... each one very much different than the other. I do not know how to start because I do not know what to write. There is so much, sooooooooo much going through my mind and my heart that I kinda feel numb. The feeling I have, if this makes any sense is that I am growing a tone inside, and feel like I am about to burst out of my flesh. Yeah, thats it. I cannot help but think if some things didn't happen in the past 6 months how I would be.  How would my heart be? I am totally typing my thoughts as they seriously come to me. lol.  I adore my job and those I work with. I would take bullets for them they r amazing.  I adore the opportunities that I have right now, and the business inside my head is in the beginning stages of talking and meetings:) Cannot be more exited about that. But I still feel like I am missing something. To add some humor, I have money now, and do not want to go shopping. HAHAHHAH. seriously thought!!! I am a shopper, and I have not wanted to at all lately. That really shows something is wrong ;) hahahah. 

   I dunno, have you ever been in that season where you literally take life one day at a time? My mom always told me for the longest time, KT, you can't worry about everything to come, just be faithful with today and when tomorrow comes be faithful with it as well. Well, I am actually doing that.  I am a plan ahead person. Have everything lines up so that I can control the whole thing and fix the details. Well, I am now living faithfully ( well trying :) ) in what each day brings. I have my ambitions and my desires, and so I see how I can further them into reality day by day.  God is faithful to those whom are faithful to Him also. I felt like this time in my life was a numbness to Him. I honestly have not been reading in my scriptures but at church, I pray daily, but they are not always heartfelt prayers. But lately the prayers have changed and He has given me a bit of an eye opening. I am to be still in Him. Know He is God and is in control. Dang, being still means listening to my heart and thoughts which is something I do not want to do because that makes me have to deal with them. I always but on a soft shell but a hard core.  And honestly for some things in my life I wanna be so hard and just let it be, put on my game face and move right along.  But this being still thing isn't letting me. I ask for wisdom, and He gives me opportunities to use it. I ask for patience and He shows me how to withstand trials. I ask for perseverance and He encourages me along the way. 

  I guess what I am saying. Is when these times come, and they always do, and maybe you are going through it now. Standfast. Check yourself for what you find your confidence and hope in. If mine were in my work or someone I liked. I would have crumbled a long time ago. Let this time be used for build you up and strengthen your character. Nothing goes according to what we plan, and there is not need to feel guilty or feel like we have failed. It is life. It is rough. Wish we could just put on a helmet and run with it. But we cannot.  We have to slow down and feel and see and understand the big picture. 

   Now that I got this off my chest I think I am going to go shop a lil bit. I love you guys dearly. And have some craziness to write to you. I just needed to blahhhh that out first... let me just say.... the guys in this city...... wow... not so good.

for my boys

My oldest brother always told me, Kt, if something is kicking you in the ass, turn around and kick it back even hard. 

    You know when you pray to God asking Him or patience and wisdom and opportunity, and then when situations come were you are to use them you then turn it around and ask what the hell?  Yeah I am super bad at doing that.  I am like that cocky kid in the group saying I will be the first to jump, and then everyone is like ok do it..... I walk over the the ledge and am like oh.... uh.... well let me take my shoes off... and then make up stuff to draw it out or not do it.  Well because I have constantly been asking the Lord to break me, He sure does answer prayers. EEEEEK!!! I am in a place where I have absolutely no idea what is going on except for the tasks I have daily.  That is all He is allowing me to do.  Do well with the small, and then be given much. I usually go big or go home, and this time..... im taking baby steps and can't see where I am stepping next. And in this, I am being given so much strength and grace as I grow into the woman I am still to become.  This year has only just begun and it seems to be getting harder, and yet better. My brother in law is a preacher in the army and is over seas while my sister is with her three children in a city she doesn't know well... My Oldest brother is a marine who got called to go to libya 2 months early to protect against the genocide... ( I can't say bye to him.) and my other brother Justin is in the army and goes overseas in one month... ( I see him next week) My hope is held high because it is in the One who created all we see, and is the guardian of those who love Him.  They will be gone for the rest of the year, and I pray 10 angels around each of them.  So, I have that on my heart.  I am unable to talk to people I care deeply about b/c of life circumstances, and have career all over my mind.  Boy I didn't see al this coming. Wanna know what I said on the new year? 

 " This is my year. I am going big and hard and no one is stopping me and I am gunna do it alone if I have too."    

  Well, I am going big and I am going hard...... but not in the way my mind thought it would happen.  I have been humbled to the max, shown to have true selfless love, had to rely on only God when before I told myself I could do it alone. I have been shown again the big picture...... and it is not about me. Not even close..... But do I get to take part in it? You bet! And that, is finally enough for me. To be able to be a vessel and a voice of what it is about, is what I have really always wanted:) Just do damn stubborn to actually do it.  

   So this season I am in, I am counting it joy, because I am producing steadfastness. 

   Here are some verses I have found to help encourage. I love you guys with all my heart.  And truly enjoy your emails, and tweets, and comments. Never be afraid to say anything:) 

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)

( Just a picture I found on the internet of soldiers returning home....)

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10b)

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:2-5)

LOVE YOU!

  

Attention.

    I am currently sitting in my room, while listening to the rain dance on my balcony and watch the sun so desperately try to sneak through the clouds.... ( I had to make it sound more romantic... love that stuff) And thinking over the past week. I have had many conversations with many very close to me. Key thing to do that helps heal? Talk about it. Been speaking with my mom who is the worlds most amazing woman. I also spoke with my sister and my best friends who know my heart and my intent on everything I do really. And bringing my obstacle out to surface I have already pealed back some dead skin.  So if you, have yet to voice something that you have been hiding, bring it to the top, and if someone around you does not want to listen write to me and I will be happy too.
  The thing is,  in talking, you slowly start to find the core reason. Weight, has always been talked about with my friends in middle school and highschool and in my family in some cases. Due to all those talks dating back to since I could remember, it is always on my mind. I am quick to encourage other in their beauty, yet refuse to see my own. That sucks! Not to sound all selfish but I wanna mean a thank you when I hear a compliment, I am not about being like..." oh thank you, but you look nicer." I wanna be like damn straight I look good. ( well, perhaps not that cocky but you get the idea right?) I wanna walk around my house naked and feel so comfortable in my own skin. As I should, lol because I am not trading out. So, in doing so. What ARE the aspects of your body you do love and admire that no one has? Me? I love my toes. They are cute to me. I love my eyes, because no matter how I try to hide emotions, they show it all. I also love my butt... Lets just say I put the ASS in assets. I love being a white girl with booty. It's an honor really:)
  Now I  know, this topic is one that is not easily dealt with. I spoke it out because I refuse to be one to let it take hold of me.  And I want the same for every woman out there. I mean every word I say and write when I talk about the womanly figure being completely compelling and stunning. I man will not stand there looking at a woman's figure and say eww she really needs to lose that and this and blah blah blah..... But what a man will do? Say eh.... that girl has no confidence and self worth.... why don't we start changing that?
 First off, to begin with a lil intro!!! We are made in the image of God. As written in Genesis. Meaning, a God who is perfect, found complete joy in creating us, and He said himself, it was good. And even better yet, not one of us are alike in image. We all have unique attributes, and I adore it!
  I just got back from hanging with one of my girls! Crazy saturday night in LA watching a chick flick and eating tons of gluten free snack! Talking about all the insecurities women have in their selves which make them take it out on their body, mind, and spirit, and also on the man they may be with, love or like.  Not the best thing! Poor guys try to encourage and then we bite their noses off for it.... Once a month is ok! But all the time is no good.
  So whatever it is you are struggling with, take it out on paper first. Write about it, and be honest. But the thing is, you must talk about it and bring it to attention. You are worth it. Promise. :)
   And P.S. One thing I love to do when I am super full... ( do not make fun.. hehe) I love blowing out my tummy and seeing what I will look like preggers...... and I like what I see haahhahahaha.

  Ok. LOVE U!

The Walk

   I blog to you guys because I love to be vulnerable and also use that to encourage others. It fills me with so much joy to tell stories of something that has happened to me, and see it humor or help those I know, and those I do not. Well, now I will really spill it all for you....
  The past two months have been the most uplifting, yet the hardest of my life.  I have been brought to attention of feelings, something honestly I pushed and guarded away for a long time because HI, I am miss independent and do not need anyones help. I can fend for myself. Yeah, like hell I can. And that is what I have been learning..... In that process I have realized how many walls I truly have built up around me. And because I have those walls, I just hurt myself before I let anyone hurt me. I am rambling sorry, :) just getting it out so you can understand where I am going. haahaha! Anyways, with that said, I would, like to make myself fully vulnerable to you, whoever you are, and as you see me from the inside out, I hope this inspires you and helps to heal you even, because I am sure you will see me in pain, but I am so willing to pour myself out to you. So how bout it??!
  Let me start with.... I have an eating disorder. Said it!!! I do. I do not throw up, but I on occassion take laxatives, have a friend give me adderall, because I want to change my body. I called my mom after doing laxatives and told her I do not want to be that girl all worried about her image.... We all have our days where we feel not so pretty, and I do have the days were I feel extremely sexy.  However, food is always in my mind. How much should I eat?  Should I even eat? What should I eat. Every question runs through my mind all day and I am EFFING SICK OF IT! So, I am going to deal with it. But not just go into an office and talk to someone who can help. I am going to deal with it in the open. For whatever friend, or whatever stranger to read. I am not scared, but so eager to get to the core of why I do this. I think it is more than just pressure around me. I am exited to strip down infront of y'all and then clothe back up with a perfect image, and that is Gods grace.
   So you in? I hope so because if not you may not like my blogs for the next few times hahahahaha. I want you to ask me anything, tell me anything, yell at me for maybe future cussing, laugh at me for future humor, cry with me for suture pain. But rejoice with me in healing. I am stoked.

   I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My identity is in Him alone..... and I know I have a perfect and beautiful identity because of Him. Love you guys..... this is gunna be crazy!

giiiiirl!

  I always go to the gym every day. It is basically my addiction and I cannot function without some type of workout throughout the day. This particular one I go to there are alot of very forward men. In every single race. So today I was walking up the stars and this man behind me goes..... " oh my goodness, you have got to stop that." I didn't know he was talking to me because I was just walking. Once I get to the top of the stairs he goes, " blonde! where did you come from..." I turned around and said, "Heaven, and chuckled to make it all a joke. and he continued with this whole spill... " You know I was gunna say that, I sometimes go to church and pray for woman like you to come walkin into my life..... now I don't know you, but seein by your body type I think I need to... I am single, and a really nice guy and would love to take you out.... in fact do you wanna get married?' I do a laugh.... probably louder than I should have and said, " You keep up that church doll, I am sure he will have some angel plop right next to you.." and he goes.." You are white enough to be an angel." There goes the laugh again..... I just began a slow walk away and said thank you but I am good.
  One day I am just going to have to say yes to one of these guys and see where it takes me..... Like turn it around on them and be like YES PLEASE LETS GO TO VEGAS!.... but add in like, I have to get away from my husband and my kid bc they r driving me nuts and wont let be do any drugs anymore and make up this whole story and then.... then... see what he does:) mmm I am! :)
  So gents, if you have not already gotten that this way is not the way to ask a woman out.... then... ya need a lil more help.
  Just wanted to share my day:) love you

girls on girls. ( not sexually)

  Since I have moved out to LA, I have noticed that the girls out here are the ones who judge and pressure the most.  When I moved here, I was 20 years old, so innocent, so romantic, and just eager to be the brightest light out in this city. At that point I had kissed...... 3 people? And had no intent on kissing anyone else until in a relationship. ( Like I said, I was young) While out here, I gained amazing respect from the guys, they honored that and would even guard that for me. I have some friends who are not christians who always say, " Katie you do not want that guy because he isn't good enough and doesn't love Jesus." I loved being that girl. However, with alot of girls, they would be like..." OMG what?!?!?!?! like why?!?!" And as time would progress they would even be like Katie you just go bang. ( ew hate that saying)  Of course all us girls always joke back and forth about a one night stand with a hot guy, and the thrill in the unknown! Who doesn't? Just being honest. But the difference between me and some of these girls, is I wouldn't act out on it. Girls on girls pressuring them to go hard and go fast because they can't stand having a woman stand next to them that is physically more pure than them.
   I am writing this, because I am very close with a dear friend who is me when I was 20. And has brought up the fact that these pressures bother her, and even myself without knowing have tried enticing her to just kiss someone. Who am I to do so? How dare I edge her on instead of saying how proud I am she is being patient. Because trust me ladies, he is worth the wait whether it is for a kiss or for making love. I didn't save my kiss, I never intended too, but I do intend on saving myself for my love. And so does my friend. So for the pressures my dolls, do not let them buckle your knees. They are but words of envy and emotions being spit out by buried feelings.
  Now to the girls, we do not talk in judgment for your actions, we love you for everything you are.  I am merely saying the words you say without perhaps knowing effects others.  I went off on a kissing rage last summer because everyone told me said it is just fun. ( which kissing is fun.... but not every man deserves my lips.) And not every man deserves the treasures you hold.
   So ladies calm down on each other. Love each other as you love yourself..... meaning the respect you have for others will show the respect you have for yourself. In some cases I have girls around me who do not respect themselves hardly at all.
   Let the encouraging begin, and the pressure release :)

love yall!

Just bc I care for you all.

Goodmorning loves. I woke up today with a swollen throat, makeup still on and had to go to the doctors to find out that Fumes make me feel icky.  Anyways! I got my computer back last night after an unexpected crash. :( I was not able to back anything up. Videos, pictures, music..... Thankfully, most of the all of those are on my phone, ipod, or facebook already. I wasn't too bummed though. I was more happy to get my computer back. I have to start back from scratch but do not mind it at all..... It made me think a little, Every morning we get a new chance. Every time we repent the sin are forgiven and we start over. I crash everyday. and all day long. But am constantly brought back to life and forgiven..... Just a little ramble I wanted yall to hear:)
  This is more for an encouragement for you guys. I have alot of dear ones going through quite a long and hard set of trials. I do not like ones close to me hurting. It hurts me. James 1 says; "count it all joy brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing......"
  Two years ago (almost) I got nodules on my vocal chords. I am a singer, and anything that holds my singing voice, let alone my speaking voice back pretty much depletes my whole spirit. It took reading this chapter over and over again. Working through my identity not being in my voice...... but in my Creator. I still struggle with rasp here and there, but have found contentment with whatever it is God is doing. Small example.... but these trials we go through are to be counted as joy.... Sucks right? Why joy? And why do they last so effing long? We wont know those answers. But what we will know is He will never leave us nor forsake us in these trials.
  My dad has been through hell the past two years. Trying to keep his hope up after losing a great job, and trying to find another. I questioned for a while, why such a great and humbled man would have to keep persevering for so long through such a trying time. Now with a job and a good year looking ahead  of him, we are more able to see the big picture.
   For you going through shit, keep kicking. My oldest brother Eric always told me when i was younger, Ktlady, if something is kicking you in the ass, turn around and start kicking the hell out of it back. And though that is the simplest way to think of something..... I can't help but picture it being done and it pumps me to keep going.
  I pray for you. And your trials..... There is reason for all. Standfast my loves.

Free Falling

Holy Cow it has been forever since I have written and I am very sorry for that! The past few months I have very much tried to stay afloat and living while trying my best to find a constant job. Let me just say I have been put in the passenger seat of my life and have been unable to drive. I am not in control, and have been feeling the sense of free falling for a little longer than I would originally want, but after coming back after a long trip and stepping out and breathing. I am ok with it. I went home December 20th. And while I was home, I was able to work for my dearest Auntie, or other mom however you wanna look at it, Noelle. I have worked for her and nannied for son Antonio since I was 18. That is 5 years. SOOOOO long! I knew going into the trip I was going to be busy. Working during the day, family time in the evening, and friends on into the night. Let me just say....... this trip was alot for in in the best of ways. Everything unexpected happen that could to be honest.
   I returned back to franklin with the mind set. I have everything in my hands. I do not need anyone to take care of me. I have made it this far, and will continue to make it even further. But I get home, and within a day things change, My heart is tried. My control is taken from me in the sweetest of ways. Through dear ones. My immediate reaction for this is to put walls right up. Guard myself before anyone could hurt me. I am better at hurting myself that way bc I know how to handle it now, instead of getting hurt. Um.... doesn't work. B/c now I am having to re-learn how to feel. How to trust and let guards down. I didn't know letting down walls would be so hard. Um. IT'S FREAKIN HARD AS CRAP! So willingly do I say it, but while also keeping a strong face and holding back the emotions.
  Ladies! do not be me! God gave us emotions, and they are a miraculous thing! Does  not matter if it is for work, a man, a friend, family, a child, art. you name it let the emotions flow.  My mom told me during the day when you begin to start feeling anxious. Step back, and ask yourself. How am I feeling physically, spiritually, mentally, and such. be honest with your answers.
  I am not one who easily gives up the reigns. I will put in my fight, however sometimes, we are not even given the reigns to start out with...... we just take them because we do not trust. My loves, trust. Trust in Him alone, and for the wise voices He placed into your life.
   So I am 23 today. EW! I have been back in LA for 2 days now. I am working on a short film, booked a pilot, and a comic book sketch ( ahhhahahaha ) have another pilot to be working on for later this month. Auditions set up. Bible studies in line. I am on fire. and will not be taken down. Why? B/c I am not in control of my life. I am simply following the narrow path laid before my feet. It is a hard thing. But I chose no other road.

Love you guys. This is gunna be a craycray year!